


Be My Escape

by NotThatSpooky



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Consensual Sex, Consensual Underage Sex, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Oral Sex, Pidge is 17, Shiro is 21, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-02-10 18:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12917424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotThatSpooky/pseuds/NotThatSpooky
Summary: Amidst growing fears for her family and the pressures of being a Paladin, Pidge’s secret feelings for Shiro only intensify. But is it really love, or the need to escape that draws her to him?





	1. Cracks in the Armor

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in some AU before the events of Season 3.

“What about Shiro?”

If there was one thing she knew, it was that she definitely did  _not_ have a crush on Shiro. Or on any of the other Paladins for that matter, but definitely, 100% not Takashi Shirogane.

“Not my type.”

“Okay…” Lance drawled out the word as the gears clicked together in his head. “Wait, don’t tell me you have a crush on Keith!” His voice betrayed just a little too much concern and the corners of Pidge’s mouth cracked into a smile. 

“Nah. Too moody.”

“Ha! Got that right!” Lance relaxed back into the couch with the smugness of someone who planned to use that info for later. “Well, Pidge, that just leaves me.” 

He grinned, poking his elbow out of their shared blanket to nudge her playfully. 

“I can’t blame you if you have a crush on  _moi._ ”

She looked up from the screen to raise an eyebrow at him. 

“Sorry, but not you either, lover boy,” she said flatly, and he feigned a gasp.

“I’m hurt!”

“Oh, please!” Pidge chuckled, throwing a small fistful of popcorn in his general direction.

It was getting late. Granted, time moved a bit differently in the abyss of space, but the team did their best to keep a regular schedule. Luckily, Alteans had a similar sleep-wake cycle to humans. While the Blue Paladin usually liked to get his beauty sleep, he made an exception about once-an-Earth-week to indulge in bad Horror flicks with Pidge. When they had the downtime, of course.

He tried to focus on the film about mutant rabbits terrorizing an unsuspecting small town, but his blue eyes kept flitting back to his companion. Something was definitely up with her and he was itching to get to the bottom of it.

He readjusted his side of the blanket so only his head was free of its warmth and didn't bother to hold back a yawn.

“That’s everybody,” he said eventually, ignoring the B-movie screaming coming from the small speakers. “Except Coran and Allura. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s not Coran, but…you’re not gay, are you? I mean, if you are, that’s cool, but ya know, I kinda have a thing for Allura…”

Pidge couldn’t help but smile as she rolled her eyes. “Yeah. I know.”

“ _Oh, Lance… sweet, sweet, Lance…”_

He was certainly persistent about this. But she supposed it meant he cared at least.

“You can relax. I don’t have crush on Allura  _or_  Coran. Now can we please just watch the movie? This is your favorite part.”

-

She wanted to believe Lance was just being…well…himself, but he wasn’t wrong about her having a crush on someone. And a part of her hated that. Why now was she losing her cool? Why was it getting harder to hide? What changed? She racked her brain in search of an answer, but came up empty.

Pidge chewed at her bottom lip. Lance had long since retreated to bed once the movie ended, but she was far too restless to do the same. Instead, she’d come to the pool room to try to wind down, only to find herself stressing more. Despite the location, she had no intention of actually swimming.

She sat at the pool’s edge, her bare feet dangling into its cool grasp and her computer poised precariously in her lap.

Normally, the sounds of the water and its dancing reflections were soothing…

It was all so absurd. There was nothing to be gained from a crush on him. She knew that! So why? Why did she have to be attracted to the most unattainable member of Voltron? Why couldn’t it be Hunk? They had a lot in common. Or Lance? Or even Keith? Any one of the other paladins would be a smarter choice than Shiro.

“ _I wonder if there’s some kind of alien tech that can erase a person’s feelings for someone.”_

“Wouldn’t that be convenient?” she grumbled.

She tapped lazy fingers against the keyboard. There were more important things to be thinking about. Like finding her father and brother. She was close to a lead. At least to the whereabouts of her brother. She just needed a little more intel. Just one more clue…

So far, she knew they were separated, which frankly did not bode well. They were safer together. But they could be anywhere in the entire universe. Anywhere except safe at home…

Before the weight of that fact could creep over her again, she started at a familiar voice.

“Oh, hey, Pidge. Couldn’t sleep either?”

Her heart leapt to her throat and her face flushed, but she did her best to look undisturbed. The automatic door closed and footsteps moved towards her. She clacked away on her computer, doing little more than opening and closing random programs and files, but it didn’t matter so long as she looked busy.

The footsteps stopped.

“Um…Pidge?”

Pidge took a breath, cleared her throat quietly, and turned reluctantly to greet her visitor.

“Hey, Shiro. You’re up early. Wh-what are you doing here?”

The eldest paladin strolled in wearing a pair of stretchy drawstring shorts, a fitted sleeveless shirt, and a towel draped around his neck.

Pidge’s eyes were drawn to his exposed left arm in particular. She noted a couple of scars poking out near his shoulder. Even out of armor, he barely exposed any skin below his neckline. And from the way his prosthetic was holding his bicep, he seemed almost…self-conscious?

She wasn’t supposed to see this.

Blood started to rush back to her face.

Shiro smoothed his human hand against the back of his neck and looked off to the side.

“I haven’t slept yet actually. Just thought maybe a few laps in the pool might help clear my head.” He turned his gaze back to her. “Now I could ask the same of you.”

She snapped her head back to her computer screen and brought a hand up to adjust her glasses before remembering she wasn’t wearing them.

“Nothing really. Just, uh, I find the water relaxing sometimes. It’s quiet, y'know?”

He nodded in understanding, unable to see Pidge’s panic.

“Well, don’t let me interrupt you.”

“ _Oh, no.._.”

“Uh…” she floundered, “Actually, I gotta, um…I was just about to leave! I should be getting to bed. I’m pretty tired.” Pidge clicked the computer screen shut and swung her feet back on to solid floor. She stuffed the assorted gadgets she’d brought with her haphazardly in her arms and all but ran out of the room.

“Goodnight!” she called behind her as the door shut.

Dumbfounded, Shiro blinked and held up a hand to no one. “Goodnight. Uh…I guess.”

He shrugged and made his way to the deep end of the pool.

-

Safe in her room, Pidge stripped off her clothes like they’d insulted her mother and threw on her pajamas; an over-sized shirt and flannel pants.

“ _I can’t believe I did that! Of course he’s gonna think that was suspicious! Idiot!”_

She burrowed under the sheets of her bed, frowning at the wall beside her.

“ _I must be losing it.”_

She turned over and fluffed her pillow before flopping back down and clenching her eyes shut, forcing herself to at least pretend to sleep.

-

Shiro gasped for air as he breached the water’s surface one last time. He rubbed at the water in his eyes, and the thought occurred to him that maybe he should’ve bought goggles during their last trip to the space mall.

He pushed the white tuft of his hair out of his face and glanced around to reorient himself. Something caught his eye then. In the bright, off-white room, a small, dark object sat by the pool’s edge.

He swam over to get a better look.

Hooking his elbows on the ledge, he scrutinized whatever it was, but didn’t touch it. It looked vaguely electronic and probably didn’t mesh well with water.

_“Pidge...”_

_-_

It hadn't even been a half hour by the time she'd given up on sleep – it was a useless endeavor from the beginning – and settled on tinkering with Rover instead. The little robot needed to be reset anyway. And she needed to keep her mind busy and away from  _him_. Curse him and his stupid, delicious…but still stupid muscles…

She leaned against her propped up pillow as she worked, a precision screwdriver in hand, when a series of knocks rapped at her door.

Shiro spoke up from the other side.

“Pidge? You awake?”

He paused only a moment, not really expecting her to be up.

“You left this…” He turned the strange object over in his hand. “…device? Of some kind by the pool. I don’t know if it’s important, but I figured you’d want it back.”

He waited a little longer this time, but Pidge was frozen in place.

“ _Crap,_ that’s  _where I dropped that stupid thing!”_

Sure he wasn’t getting an answer, he continued, “Okay. I’ll leave it at your station then.”

“ _Good. Let him leave it there. You don’t need to open the door,”_ she told herself,  _“But you can’t keep avoiding him either. Someone’s going to catch on.”_

Her mind tugged her back and forth, increasing in fervor as she heard him start to leave.

“ _Agh, screw it.”_

She set her project on the nightstand and opened the door.

“Hi, Shiro,” Pidge offered, smiling weakly when Shiro turned back towards her.

“Sorry if I woke you.”

“No, I was up. Just had my headphones in,” she lied, scratching at her mussed chestnut hair.

He shortened the distance between them and presented the device. “I believe this belongs to you?”

She took it and absently started fiddling with it a moment before catching herself. She stuffed it in one of her pants pockets.

“Yep, that’s mine. Thanks.” 

“No problem. Just didn’t want it to get damaged or anything.” He was wearing the same clothes as before, but this time his hair was stringy and his clothes noticeably damp…and clingy. “Um, listen, don’t take this the wrong way, and maybe I’m wrong, but…it seems like you’ve been avoiding me lately. Did I do something to upset you?”

“ _See??”_

Pidge sighed, staring down at her feet. “No, you haven’t done anything.”

She sucked in a breath and held it to stop herself from saying the words she knew she'd regret.

There was a long pause.

“ _Just tell him! Don’t. Just do it! Bad idea.”_

Shiro’s face grew more and more concerned as he waited, but he didn't dare interrupt her.

“Shiro, the truth is…the truth is…”

Her heart pounded like a drumline. She couldn’t do this right now. Not now. But she couldn’t keep this up much longer either. Her eyes darted up and down the hallway, sure that someone would emerge at any second and see her red-faced and flustered in front of their leader. She couldn't handle that. Absolutely not. But it was too late to back out.

“Actually, um, can we talk tomorrow? Tomorrow night? Alone?”

Shiro raised his eyebrows. This wasn’t like her.

“Of course. Whatever you need. Just find me and let me know when you’re ready, okay?” he said, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder, “I’m here for you.”

“Thanks,” she nearly whispered, still avoiding his eyes.

“Get some sleep, Pidge. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He released her and Pidge nodded, giving him a half-smile before fleeing back into her room.

Once the door closed and she was sure the Black Paladin was far enough away, she dove into her bed and groaned as loud as she could into the nearest pillow.

“Why!? Why did I have to answer the door!?”


	2. Shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of this story, Pidge is 17 and Shiro is 21. That info does become relevant in this chapter.

“Tomorrow” was both brutally long and frighteningly short.

At Allura and Coran’s instruction, the team attended councils with the leaders of several planets in their current solar system. But it was all a formality. After having freed these people only days ago of Zarkon’s control, introductions were only proper.

The occupying Galra forces had been easily taken care of, barely fortified as there defenses were – disabling communications without detection had been a cinch. After all, these planets were of minimal value to Zarkon, but for Voltron, every little victory helped.

The assemblies with the various alien species went smoothly, as expected, but it was Pidge’s anticipated meeting with Shiro that had her on edge.

The entire day, she was distracted, anxious, exhausted, and most of all wishing desperately she could reverse time. For the most part, Shiro and Allura took turns speaking on the team’s behalf, but when it was the latter’s turn to take over the discussions, Pidge would catch the former stealing glances at her.

There was no way she was getting out of this.

By dinnertime, Pidge was sure she was losing years of her life with how fast her heart was beating.

“ _Just make it through dinner. Maybe if I eat fast enough I can pretend I’m not feeling well and go to bed early without having to say anything.”_

The idea was appealing, but she knew that would only put off the inevitable. And she didn’t think she could handle this anxiety for another day.

Suddenly, Hunk and Coran emerged from the kitchen with several plates of food in hand.

“Hey, guys!” Hunk announced to the dining room, “Me and Coran managed to make improvised Ratatouille with some of the vegetables the locals gave us! You guys are gonna love it!”

“It’s actually rather good!” Coran chimed in, “It reminds me a bit of a traditional  _Utrurq_  dish I tried once…although this is a lot quieter, so that’s certainly a plus.”

Keith exchanged his confusion with Lance from across the table, but no one questioned him.

Pidge tried to eat, but with her stomach in knots, the most she managed was a few nibbles and abstract food sculptures with her fork. Before she knew it, everyone else was already finished or cleaning up their dishes…except Shiro.

Hunk came up to her as he was taking his plate to the kitchen and leaned against the back of her chair.

“You didn’t like it?” he asked, disappointed, “It was the sauce, wasn’t it? I think I got a little too experimental with it.”

She turned to him, almost surprised.

“No! It’s great!” she argued, “I’m just…not really feeling well.”

This earned another glance from Shiro despite him being in the middle of a conversation of his own.

“It’s cool. Don’t force yourself. Do you need antacid or something? I’m pretty sure we have something like that.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” she said before her peripheral noticed the rest of the team getting up from the table, leaving only her and Shiro still seated.

Panic settled in anew.

“Actually, I think I’m feeling a little better already!”

Pidge shoveled the rest of her food in her mouth and nearly choked in the process of gulping it down. She shot up from her chair.

“Thanks, Hunk. Thanks, Coran. That was delicious!” she said with a genuine smile, then abducted her plate through the kitchen door, leaving a completely baffled Hunk in her wake.

–

Shiro chewed the last of his food slowly as he processed the exchange between Pidge and Hunk. The way she was acting today during the meetings, and the way she’d bolted from the table just now, she was obviously freaking out about something. And while she promised to tell him, he still couldn’t shake the feeling she was avoiding him.

Whatever it was, it had to be serious. Shiro liked to think he was pretty familiar with the members of his team, but he’d never seen her so on-edge like this before. It was obvious she was still concerned about Matt and their father, but there had to be something else. This couldn’t just be about that, could it? The more he thought, the more he worried, but he’d already resolved not to pressure her into talking.

She’d come to him when she was ready.

–

It wasn’t until at least an hour or two later when she’d found him, though he’d lost track of time poring over the ship’s data on Galra weaponry and known battle tactics in the strategy room. Keith had asked to spar with him after dinner, but he declined with a promise to train together tomorrow – if Pidge  _did_  show up, he wanted to make sure he’d be alone.

When she finally arrived, she didn’t bother to cross the threshold into the room itself. Her fingers were wringing themselves behind her back.

“I’m…” she started,  paused, and then sighed, annoyed it seemed, though more at herself than him, “I’m ready to talk. If you are, of course.”

He smiled warmly in response.

“Of course.”

“First, can we go somewhere a little more private?”

–

In silence, Shiro followed her to a wing of the castle he was barely familiar with – there wasn’t much here and it went mostly unused. The hall they followed was dark and quiet with only enough lights for them to see where they were going. When they stopped in front of a locked door, Pidge touched her hand to a sensor pad nearby. It beeped softly and glowed green, apparently appeased, and the door slid open. Inside appeared to be some kind of personal library, furnished with floor to ceiling bookcases, a long couch, and a large L-shaped desk. There was a view of the nearest planet outside.

“This was King Alfor’s,” Pidge said, answering Shiro’s unspoken question, “Allura told me I could come here whenever I wanted.”

“I see,” he said while taking everything in.

“You might want to sit down,.”

Without a word, he took a seat on the couch and crossed one leg over the other. She began to pace in front of him.

“Okay, so, I’m just gonna get this out. I’m just gonna say it. Okay. Alright…”

Eventually, she stopped pacing, took a deep breath and with eyes honed in on the desk, she spoke the words, “Shiro, I like you. And not in a friend kind of way because I know that’s what you would think hearing me say that, but that’s not how I mean it. I like you, as in, I  _like_  you _like_  you, and… uh I can’t believe I’m saying this and I’m going to stop talking now and let you say something… Okay.”

“ _Oh god, what am I doing?!”_

She faced him then and studied his body language expectantly, trying to gauge his response before he could even say anything.

Shiro leaned back a little and focused on the floor tiles between them.

“Hmm,” was all he could get out at first, but after several seconds, he continued. “Well, I can say I honestly was not expecting that. You did have me worried there.”

More silence. He chose his next words carefully.

“I’m flattered, but…why me? I’m…well…” He looked up at her then “…a few years older than you.”

If anything, Pidge was incredulous.

“You have to ask?”

She’d meant it as a genuine question, but as he didn’t answer, she went on.

“I mean, you’re mature, for one. You’re tall, brave, a born leader, a great pilot, attractive, obviously.” She said these words with ease if not conviction, her anxiety dissolved by disbelief that he would even ask.

“Don’t put me on a pedestal, Pidge. I’m only human.” His eyes flashed to his cybernetic arm. “Well, mostly.”

“And modest!” she added, gesturing to him as if he were ignoring something obvious.

Shiro gave her a reprimanding look.

“Okay, look, I’ve admired you ever since I found out you were going to be on the Kerberos mission with my dad and my brother. And then ever since I met you, I’ve liked you and….sort of…” she debated revealing the last bit of her confession, but she’d already come this far. “…Sort of wanted you to…kiss me. I know, that’s cheesy.”

He leaned forward, planting both feet on the floor now.

“Pidge, I think you know what I have to say here. You are incredible, you know that, but no matter how I feel or don’t feel, it doesn’t matter. You and I can’t get involved that way. You’re…”

“To young,” she finished for him, irritation weighing down her tone.

“…Yeah.”

“And if I were older?”

“I…would think about it,” he said cautiously.

She frowned and Shiro sighed.

“You’re a wonderful young woman, Pidge.”

“Don’t do that,” she huffed while crossing her arms and looking away, “I don’t want your pity.”

“I’m not pitying you,” he insisted, but she didn’t buy it.

“I  _know_  it’s ‘ _wrong_ ’,” she said, emphasizing the word with her fingers mimicking quotation marks, “but if it’s something we both happened to want, I don’t see why we couldn’t. I mean, I’m the one who came to you. It’s not like you’d be taking advantage of me.”

“It’s complicated,” he said, vainly hoping she’d accept it at that. Naturally, she wanted him to elaborate.

“If we  _were_  to be together in that way… hypothetically… the last thing I would want is for you to end up regretting it. Wishing you’d been with someone your own age. Or that you’d waited. You should really think about this.”

Pidge rolled her eyes with a groan.

“I  _have_ , Shiro! Practically every day we put our lives at risk. Every day we wake up with the reality there might not be a tomorrow for us. I’m not asking you to marry me! If you don’t like me that way, then just tell me. I’d understand! I know I’m not gorgeous like Allura. I don’t have long flowy hair anymore. I get it! But don’t use my age as a cop-out!”

Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. This was a lot more like the Pidge he knew – stubborn.

The right thing to do, the smart thing to do would be to simply tell her he wasn’t interested and leave it at that. It was also probably the easiest, and yet he didn’t, and he wasn’t wholly sure why. True, he wanted to spare her feelings, but there was something else. Something he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“Pidge,” he said finally, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying that! ’ _Can’t’_ ’It’s bullshit!” Her voice started to fade from enraged to pleading, “Just say it. Please. Just say you don’t like me that way.”

Shiro breathed deeply – inhale, exhale – but could only shake his head, defeated.

“ _I can’t.”_

She understood nonetheless and her mouth pressed into a hard line. She bit the insides of her lips together and the light reflecting in her big brown eyes seemed to shimmer.

Her hands balled into fists at her sides and they started to tremble. From anger? He didn’t know. And neither did she. For a split second, Shiro feared she would try to punch him and his body tensed on impulse.  

Instead, she spun on her heel and started towards the door without a word until…she didn’t. Pidge stopped in her tracks despite her mind begging her feet to move. They didn’t.

“ _Don’t you dare do this! Not now!”_

It happened faster than either of them could fully register. Especially Shiro. But once he did, his eyes widened in horror.

He’d gutted her. With no more effort than it took to crush a sheet of tinfoil, he’d crumpled her to the floor. And he was petrified.

Despite her silence, her chest heaved. Pidge forced her hands over her mouth, her eyes desperate and wild like cornered prey.

“ _Stop it! Stop!”_

But she didn’t. She couldn’t.

A sob escaped her throat and she wanted to scream.

“ _No!”_

As he watched, the scene before him began to feel eerily familiar. Images of grieving mothers, children, siblings, separated from their families, separated from hope flickered behind his eyes.

He’d seen this before.

Slowly, wordlessly, Shiro approached her, his footsteps soft on the hard floor. Once he was close enough, he lowered himself to his knees behind her and touched her shoulder. She didn’t react.

He started to ease her towards him, gently, but she resisted. Her arms flailed to shake him off and he was quick to let go, but in doing so, she released another cry. She clamped a hand back over her mouth and forced her eyes closed as she curled further into herself.

He waited a moment, then repeated the action – this time she didn’t try to repel him. Both his hands cupped her shoulders then and he drew her to his chest, gathering her petite form into his arms.

She was helpless but to hide her face behind her hands as unforgiving tears streamed down.

Shiro leaned back until he was sitting on the floor and pulled her into his lap. His arms wrapped tighter around her, enveloping her easily, and he planted his chin atop her head. On some instinct, he closed his eyes and started to hum a tuneless melody. His thumb slid back and forth over her arm like a soothing metronome.

“ _I’m so sorry,”_  he thought,  _“This isn’t what I wanted.”_

Pidge managed to whimper through her fingers, “I’m sorry. I’m being so fucking dramatic. You must think I’m insane freaking out like this over nothing. I must be on my period or something.” She forced a laugh, but it was quickly drowned in more tears.

Shiro said nothing, his face solemn as he continued humming.

Eventually, the tight bundle in his arms relaxed enough to rest her weight against him and lean her head on his collarbone. They stayed like that for several more minutes, until Shiro could feel her body had stopped trembling.

“Do you want me to let you go now?” he murmured.

Pidge was silent as she thought. When she finally answered, her subdued voice sounded almost guilty.

“Would you be angry if I said no?”

He chuckled and the sound rumbled into her like a distant thunder. “Not at all.”

She swallowed hard and it hurt. Everything hurt. Most of all her heart.

“Shiro…” She blinked back fresh tears. “What if they’re… what if I’m too late? What if my dad and my brother…” Her voice started to crack.

“Don’t think like that,” he answered before she could continue, “Both of them are strong and capable. And so are you. You’ll find each other. You have to believe that.”

Her head bobbled weakly and it wasn’t until her sobs subsided again that Shiro apologized.

“Pidge. I’m sorry. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

“I know. It’s not your fault.” Her vocal chords felt thick and heavy against the lump in her throat.

“I hope you’ll forgive me.”

She sniffled. “I’m not that petty, Shiro.”

“Well, I wouldn’t blame you if you were.” He paused, unsure if he should continue, then lowered his voice. “I meant what I said, you know. You  _are_ wonderful –  you’re  _so, so_  intelligent, not to mention a great pilot and more-than-decent fighter. I couldn’t imagine anyone better suited to be the Green Paladin. And yes, you are beautiful, even without your flowy hair.”

He loosened his hold on her. “I wish I could give you a straight answer…”

Pidge didn’t care anymore. She didn’t want to talk about it anymore. She didn’t want him to hold her – no matter how safe it made her feel. She didn’t want his warmth. Didn’t want his comfort. Didn’t want to be near his scent that felt like home. All she wanted was sleep. Sweet, dreamless sleep to whisk her away and make her forget everything for a few precious hours.

“I think I should be going to bed.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Shiro agreed before releasing her.

As he helped her to her feet, he caught a glimpse of her bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked face, but she was quick to turn away, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her shirt. She shuffled out into the corridor, but as she turned the corner, her face out of his view, she paused, her hand lingering on the door’s frame.

“Good night, Takashi.”

“Good night, Katie,” he said, and she left.

For a while, Shiro didn’t move. He stared out into the empty hallway, white, pristine, cold…and silent. When he broke himself from his reverie, he retreated back to the couch behind him and sat down, his elbows resting on his knees, his fingers steepled together.

His thick eyebrows furrowed as his eyes wandered about the room, searching. Searching for something. He leaned back, his neck arching over the couch’s support as far as it would go, and gazed at the ceiling, at nothing. He pressed the side of his fist to his forehead.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm having fun, how 'bout you? :3c


	3. Point of No Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole story was only supposed to be two chapters! Why does this keep happening? Someone stop me

The light above him was blinding. Every time he started to sink down into oblivion, it seemed to drag him back up to whatever bright hell this was.

Shiro blinked once, twice. His eyelids felt so heavy. Around him were formless blobs. Why were they so close? What did they want?

He tried to sit up only to be stopped by... He looked down...He was strapped to a table?

He blinked harder, trying to clear the fog in his vision.

“He's waking up. He might need another dose.”

That voice...that accent...was familiar...

Shiro tried his bindings again. His right arm felt so tight and his fingers tingled like something was cutting off his circulation.

He forced his eyes to focus.

A tourniquet... Was he injured? But he wasn't bleeding.

“You can give him a little more, but not enough to knock him out. I want him just conscious enough.”

Another voice. Whoever they were, they weren't human. Galra?

There was a soft _tink_ near his ear, then a pinch in his neck. He winced.

His eyes shifted to his right again. One of the blobs...doctors?...was holding something big and sharp. It gleamed in the light. Its edges seemed to leer at him.

Someone came around and tightened the binding at his wrist.

The sharp object came closer and he could see his reflection in its face. When did his hair get so long?

There was a whirring noise suddenly. Loud. The object shook in the hands of its wielder and glowed an eerie purple, its teeth becoming a blur of movement. It was so loud. It sounded very much like a chainsaw...

Why was it coming towards him? Towards his arm...

He tried to wriggle away from it, but the shackles didn't budge. It came even closer, a trembling, blood-thirsty creature.

Shiro started to struggle. His legs fought to find some kind of leverage, but they too were bound.

“No!”

His voice came out hoarse but desperate.

“No!” he yelled out again.

Another voice rang out from the distance.

“Let me go!” it cried, “Shiro!”

“ _Pidge?_ ”

She came into view from the far side of the room, suited in her Paladin armor, her hands tied together behind her back. She was being pulled past the open door, struggling against two Galra sentries.

Their eyes met.

“Shiro!” she called out to him, jerking herself toward him only to be yanked back and forced away.

His stomach curled with fear.

“ _How did she get here? Where were they taking her? What were they going to do to her?!”_

“Pidge!” he screamed, “Let her go! Let her go!”

He strained against his bindings.

The room flickered. The once spotless room was now splattered with red. Something on his chest caught his eye. He looked down. It was open. He could see his ribs, his organs, his lungs, his heart pulsing.

To his left...his left arm was missing... Blood... wet, sticky, crimson blood pooled around him from the gaping stump left behind.

That sound got even louder then. He'd forgotten about the gleaming creature.

He turned his head just in time to see it rip into his skin.

–

Shiro's eyes snapped open. He was in a different room now, this one silent and dark, but he could still feel the blood around him... He bolted upright and desperately scanned his surroundings. He flicked on a lamp he found nearby and breathed out a sigh of relief once the soft light washed over the room... his bedroom. He was in the Castle-ship.

“You're safe, Takashi. You're okay,” he assured himself. He took deep, slow breaths as he made a visual inventory of what he could see.

“It was just a dream.”

But his body still felt wet, he realized...and now cold. His flesh hand flew to his torso and he looked down, immediately realizing it was just sweat. He sighed again.

He hated that dream the most. It was never exactly the same – sometimes the room was different, sometimes it was Zarkon himself wielding the tool that cut off his arm, sometimes his arm was simply ripped out of its socket, but he was always strapped down, helpless, and it always ended the same.

But Pidge had never been in this one before. None of the other Paladins, no one in Team Voltron, was _ever_ in it. Sometimes a faceless alien prisoner or two, but no one he _knew_.

She'd been appearing in most of his dreams since the night she'd confessed to him. Most of them unpleasant. At first, he figured it was just a fluke, but as the days and nights went by, he started to suspect it was much more than that.

–

It had been several days since Pidge's confession. Several days of numb heartache, several nights of wishing she had anymore tears to cry. Several nights of...what she thought would be regret, but there was none. Shiro knew how she felt about him and it was better this way, surely. Better than holding it in till she burst. It was almost a relief to get it out.

Almost.

She didn't bother to avoid him anymore – there was nothing left to hide. But whenever they found themselves alone, she had little to say.

“Any projects you've been working on?” Shiro asked one day when he happened upon her in the lounge, skimming through some kind of instruction manual.

“Yep.”

She flipped a page, then another.

“Any you wanna talk about?”

“Not really.”

He couldn't blame her for treating him like a stranger. She had every right to feel hurt, every right to want to keep her distance. So he tried to give her her space.

Pidge didn't mean to be dismissive, but the more interaction she had with him, the more she had to look at him and his stupid face, the harder she had to fight to keep from lashing out.

It was tempting to push him into giving her a clear answer. The thought even crossed her mind to try to seduce him, appeal to whatever base instincts he might have, not that she really knew how and would just embarrass herself more. But it didn't matter anyway. She already knew how he felt about her.

He'd never choose her. For one, in-group relationships almost always spelled disaster, and someone like Shiro would never risk the team like that. But even if they weren't both members of the universe's last hope, she wasn't his type. With his looks – his eyes that seemed to see and understand the deepest parts of you, his picturesque face somehow both boyish and mature, his chiseled jawline, his body sculpted like an underwear model – and his infallible personality, he could have anyone he wanted. Why would he want her?

Pidge wrinkled her nose at the bathroom mirror in front of her.

He was so insanely out of her league, it was almost laughable. So why did she still want him? What was the point?

She started scrubbing her teeth a little harder, the minty foam gathering around the corners of her lips. She stopped for a moment and admired how it almost made her look rabid. She gnashed her teeth and tested a growl.

“Whoa, down Fido!”

Lance appeared behind her in the mirror, then moved toward the sink.

“Actually I was going for Old Yeller,” she said around the toothbrush, though it sounded more like, “Ackshilly I wuh goig for Oh Yelluh”

“Huh?”

She stopped brushing and spat in the drain.

“Actually, I was going for Old Yeller,” she said again.

“Aw, that story still makes me sad.”

“What are you doing in here anyway?” she asked as she turned on the faucet to wash her hands.

He grabbed her toothpaste and squeezed a dollop onto a toothbrush he'd apparently brought with him.

“Stealing some of your toothpaste. I think somebody used all mine. I can't find it.”

She wiped her hands on a nearby towel.

“We have more, you know.”

“Yeah, but I don't wanna open a new one,” he shrugged.

Pidge just shook her head and pat him on the shoulder. “Never change, Lance,” she said, then started out the bathroom.

“Of course! Why change perfection? Anyway, what's wrong?” he asked casually, and she balked.

“What do you mean?”

“I know something's wrong. You've been a little...” He teetered his hand. “... _off_ these past few days. What's going on? Is it about your crush?”

She sighed. He still hadn't let up on that. While she knew he was most likely just ribbing her, she also knew he could be a little too perceptive for his own good.

“Would you believe me if I said 'no'?” she tried.

He seemed to think about it. “Hmmm...not really.” A faint smile crossed her lips.

“Yeah. Somehow I didn't really think so.”

“In all seriousness, I know we joke around a lot, but you know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yeah,” she replied automatically and hoped he didn't hear the lie. “Anyway, brush your teeth already. Your breath stinks.”

She made a show of pinching her nose closed and Lance blew out a lungful of morning breath in her direction.

–

It wasn't that Pidge didn't trust Lance to keep a secret. Sure, he sometimes put his foot in his mouth, but he wouldn't blab about something like this. Probably. Even so, there was no way she could tell him she had a crush on Shiro. She couldn't tell any of them. It was bad enough that Shiro himself knew, but if anyone else did, it would just make things more awkward.

It was best kept between the two of them, at least until she could get over him... somehow.

Despite herself, she couldn't stop him from permeating her thoughts. She still couldn't help fantasizing about him during quiet moments alone. She still daydreamed about the two of them together, from innocuous, flirty exchanges to envisioning their bodies tangled together in heady moments of passion. She both loved and hated the things her imagination came up with.

But that's all it would ever be... just her imagination. It was bittersweet, though lately much more bitter than sweet.

–

Shiro couldn't really say how he came to his decision. He just knew he had to do something. He had to fix this.

And somehow it was the only thing that made sense.

He tried to distract himself, keep himself busy with training, but his thoughts kept circling back to Pidge. He knew what he'd done. He knew he'd broken her heart, and he knew she didn't deserve that. But what else could he have done? There'd been no good option, no outcome that would make it all okay or keep everything the same.

The events of that night played over and over in his head. He dissected every moment for an opportunity he might've missed, something else he could've said or done.

He recalled every syllable that had come out of her mouth.

“ _And then ever since I met you, I've liked you and...sort of...sort of wanted you to ...kiss me...”_

Suddenly a slender, dark-skinned hand waved in front of his face.

“Shiro?”

He blinked away his daze and turned to see the princess in her usual gown leaning her elbows on the kitchen counter beside him.

“Everything alright? You seem very distracted.”

“Oh, yeah, just a little tired I guess,” he said.

“You know, if you're really having that much trouble sleeping, you can spend a night in one of the healing pods,” Allura suggested.

He imagined lying in one of those pods, the thick glass door closing on him, trapping him there...

“No!” he exclaimed abruptly, then caught himself, “I mean, thanks, but no thanks. I've just been keeping myself up.” He rotated the cup he'd been holding between his hands. His tea had gotten cold. He took a sip anyway.

She watched him with a tilt of her head.

“It tastes better warm,” she explained, and he shrugged.

“It's fine.” One of the space mice that had been relaxing between the two scurried over to the cup and sniffed at it, curious, then found its way to Allura's hand. She scooped the tiny Altean creature up and placed it on her shoulder before giving it an affectionate scratch behind its ears.

“Well... the option is there, should you need it. You're not pushing yourself too hard, are you? Coran says you've been spending more time in the training room lately.”

That much was true. He'd told the older Altean it was because he needed to brush up on his fighting techniques.

Shiro denied her allegation despite the soreness in his limbs reminding him of the reality, and she gave him a once-over before seeming to come to some kind of conclusion.

She plopped her chin in her hand and stared off into the distance.

“I'm antsy too,” she admitted wistfully. “It feels like Zarkon and his army are everywhere, just waiting for us. And right now there's not much we can do about it.”

“As long as we have Voltron, we have a fighting chance. I know it doesn't feel like much, but we _are_ making progress. Wars aren't won in a day.”

“I suppose you're right,” she admitted with a twinge of reluctance.

“But I get what you mean,” he added, then took another swig of his tea. He was perfectly fine with her thinking he was just worried about the war. The last thing he needed was anyone suspecting the truth. Although he did wish he could ask Allura, or anyone really, for advice. He'd never been in this kind of situation before.

But with or without advice, Shiro wasn't the type to let a problem just sit unresolved, especially one that could affect the entire team's synergy. He was a man of action. So he'd made his decision.

__

All five Paladins emerged from their Lions' hangars, each of them carrying a small chunk of some dense mineral Coran had asked them to collect. Unfortunately, the planet they'd had to retrieve It from was home to hostile alien giants that were sitting on a practical gold mine of it.

“Remind us what this is for, again?” Pidge asked Allura who'd come down to greet them.

Something about it being necessary to reinforce the particle barrier.

“Well, I hope whatever it does is worth the trouble,” Keith complained while cracking his back.

She assured him it would be.

“I promise this material will make all the difference.”

The team handed her their collected pieces, which she cradled easily in her arms.

“I'm sorry this mission turned out so much messier than we'd expected. I'll get these to Coran. You all deserve some rest.”

“Thanks, Allura,” said Shiro on the rest's behalf, and she disappeared into an elevator ahead of them.

Lance took off his helmet and started fanning himself with his hand.

“Man, I think Blue's A/C might be broken.”

“No, I'm pretty sure you just sweat too much,” Keith chimed in as he popped off his own helmet and shook out his dark hair.

“Yeah, right! You're way sweatier than I am.”

“To be fair,” Hunk interrupted, “you're both pretty sweaty. I'd say about equal levels of...sweatiness.”

Lance turned his glare to the yellow paladin.

“You're not helping.”

“But it's true!”

Ignoring this, Shiro jogged up to Pidge who'd started to walk ahead of the others.

“Hey, Pidge, can I talk to you for a minute?”

She seemed almost startled, as if he'd just snapped her out of a daydream.

“Uh...sure”

He led her aside and she immediately started talking, much to his surprise.

“I know my reflexes were a little slow when you asked for the shield during that last battle. I promise I'll work on it. I don't want to the rest of the team in danger 'cause of me. Actually, I think I've come up with a way t-”

He cut her off before she could continue.

“What? No. Your reflexes were fine.”

“Oh.”

“Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the other night.”

“Oh,” she said again, averting her eyes, “That. You don't have to worry, Shiro. I'm over it.”

“You say that, but...I'm not sure that's true.”

“I'm fine,” she insisted, waving a gloved hand dismissively, “I was just emotional. You know, hormones and whatnot.”

Shiro scrutinized her face, clearly unconvinced.

“I see... Either way, could you meet me in the bridge after lights-out tonight?”

She looked back over her shoulder at the other paladins, antsy to rejoin them so as to not draw suspicion. Luckily they seemed unconcerned.

“I guess so.”

“Thanks,” he said with a appreciative smile. “You're free to go. I'd just like to talk a bit more about it, if that's okay. I promise not to keep you long.”

Great. Now she had a lecture to look forward to. Sometimes he took his leadership duties a bit seriously. He wasn't their dad.

“Yeah, that's fine.” Her voice came out sharper than she meant it to, though he didn't react.

“ _What am I nervous about? Ah, whatever!”_

“I'm gonna go get cleaned up,” she told him, then hurried off to catch up with Hunk.

When he noticed her appear, he asked, “Hey, you're not in trouble, are you?”

“Oh, nah. He just wanted to ask me something about the Green Lion.”

Shiro finally took off his own helmet and swiped at the sweat that had gathered on his forehead. Quietly, he trailed behind the others into the main hallways of the castle.

“ _Maybe this isn't a good idea,”_ he thought. “ _Maybe I should leave well enough alone.”_

But he couldn't. He'd spent too many hours, lost too much sleep over it, over her. In his mind, he had no choice but to follow through.

–

Once he was sure everyone else had retired to their quarters, or would at least be occupied elsewhere for the next couple of hours, Shiro made his way to the bridge.

Seated on the steps to the center dais, he waited for her, illuminated by the light of the overhead crystal and the distant stars. Half of him hoped Pidge wouldn't come. It might've been better if she hadn't. But she did.

He stood abruptly to acknowledge her and was met with an uncomfortable wave. She stuffed both hands into her shorts' pockets and stepped over to the platform where she planted herself a few feet away from him.

“ _Let's get this over with.”_

“I'll try to make this quick,” Shiro said, not bothering with small talk, “First, I just want to acknowledge that it took a lot of guts for you to tell me what you did the other day. I thought I was doing the right thing by not answering you directly, but you deserve a clear answer and you deserve my honesty.”

He paused and rubbed his palms together before continuing.

“Truthfully, I don't know how to categorize how I feel about you. What I do know is that you're someone important to me.”

He went silent and she wasn't sure if she was supposed to say something. He wasn't looking at her. Instead his eyes were closed, with one hand held up to them as if to shield them while his other arm held his waist.

Pidge twiddled with her thumbs in her lap. “Okay...” she began, but didn't have anything to say.

Where was this going?

He piped up again, and his voice had taken on an uncertainty she wasn't used to hearing from him. It made her a little uneasy.

“Did you mean what you said before...about wanting me to kiss you all this time?” he asked, and she shifted slightly in her seat.

“Well...yeah,” she shrugged, “Why would I lie about that?”

He got quiet again, but she waited it out.

“Do you...still want me to kiss you?”

Her back stiffened. “Come on,” she half-laughed, “Are you really gonna put me on the spot like that?”

“I need to know. I need your honest answer.” he said resolutely, still covering his eyes.

“Okay. Fine,” she conceded, lifting her hands in confused surrender, “Then yeah...I guess...yes. Why does it matter?”

He moved to rest his hands on his hips and settled his gaze on the crystal above them.

“Okay then,” he said matter-of-factly, as if they'd come to some sort of agreement. Pidge scrunched her eyebrows together. Was she missing something?

“Okay then what?”

His Adam's apple bobbed and he took a deep breath, bracing himself.

“While I stand by what I said before – that nothing can happen between us because of, well, the age difference, not to mention the fact that I'm your commanding officer – I also remembered what you said about how we're constantly putting our lives at risk. So, I figure if it's just a kiss, I don't see how it would hurt,” he said, his voice tapering almost to a mumble. Then he added more firmly, “But only so long as we both know that nothing more can come of it.”

Pidge's confusion morphed into annoyance.

“I told you I don't want your pity, Shiro.”

He shook his head. “I'm not,” he asserted, “That's not why. Just...I want to. If you do. So long as we agree that's all it is.”

She leaned her head back and squinted as if to get a better look at him. “Aren't you afraid I'll get attached or something?”

“I realize that is a possibility. But... I also trust you not to agree if you think that'll happen.”

There was something strange about him. Something almost frantic despite his relative composure. Pidge couldn't quite place it.

Why was he doing this? Asking if _he_ could kiss _her_? What happened to the responsible adult who'd all but rejected her? Was this even Shiro? Or some kind of imposter?

So many questions flowed through her head, but she revealed none of them. She wasn't about to argue.

“You're serious,” she said under her breath. She stated the realization mostly to herself but still loud enough for him to hear.

“I'm serious.”

He didn't understand why. He only knew that he needed to fix this, needed to stop her from haunting him. And for some reason, this seemed the only way. The only way that made some kind of twisted sense...

The little logic he could wring out of it was that if he kissed her, she'd realize she didn't want him after all. That it was just a silly crush. That she only wanted him because he'd been out of reach for so long.

And more importantly, he'd know for sure he didn't want her either.

“I don't really understand,” Pidge admitted, “but this better not be a prank or I swear...”

“It's not,” he said calmly.

“Okay. Then...” There was a second of doubt, of fear... Was this really what she wanted? But she shoved the question away before she could process it. “I agree.”

“Alright then. How do you want to do this?” he asked her, then immediately backpedaled, “Wait, have you ever done this before?”

She put on a sheepish grin. “Do kisses from my dog count?”

Shiro grimaced. “Pidge, are you _really_ sure? Your first kiss...”

“We don't have to if you don't want to! This was your idea!”

“I know, I know,” he placated, “I just...want to make sure.”

He took a seat beside her on the platform and turned towards her. She mirrored him and watched him carefully. Even seated, Shiro realized there was a height difference, so he scooted down a step lower on the stairs.

“You should probably close your eyes,” he said, and she did without protest. “I don't want you to see how awkward I am at this.” She snorted at the idea he could possibly be awkward, but said nothing.

Seeing her face so close to his, Shiro could feel his pulse quicken. He took in the sight of her long bangs almost touching her closed eyelids, the way her wavy, untamed hair framed her face, her button nose, her smooth, fair skin. He noticed the soft pink that had started to color her cheekbones. She was trusting him so easily, the way she was leaning just slightly towards him. Why did she look so... cute?

He hesitated, then reached out to hold her chin with the thumb and forefinger of his human hand. He used the other to support himself as he leaned in towards her, closing the distance between them until his lips were barely a whisper against hers.

Sensing him, it was Pidge that tipped herself forward to cross that final millimeter. It wasn't until then that Shiro realized her lips had been trembling slightly, tense, but they quickly melted into his.

Hers were warm, soft and tasted faintly of something citrus. It had been a long time, he realized, since he'd kissed anyone. A long time since he'd experienced something so intimate, yet oddly innocent. He realized he missed it.

Pidge felt herself ease into the touch. This was a kiss, a real kiss. And it felt so...effortless. She embraced the scent of him, his aftershave, and the feel of his mouth, softer than she'd expected. Men weren't supposed to feel this way, were they?

But Shiro, he felt perfect. She wanted more of him. She resisted the urge to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him even closer, afraid to risk him pulling away before she was ready, but he did anyway.

As he withdrew and his eyes met hers, he came face to face with the mistake he'd made. He hadn't fixed anything – he'd only made it worse.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me _so_ much more trouble than the last two gdi  
>  Maybe I'll fix it later. Idk. It's as good as it's gonna get for now.


	4. Intoxicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update! I started a new job and didn't have the brain space to work on this.

Far too soon the moment was over and Pidge found herself nearly breathless.

Her eyes met his and there was a tenderness in them she hadn't seen before. It hit her then, the reality of what just happened and she had to look away, her face nearly burning.

“Was it that bad?” Shiro teased, hoping to break the tension.

“No!” she said in defense, “It was good! I mean it was nice. I, um, thank you...for that.”

He wasn't sure how to reply. Somehow, “you're welcome” seemed inappropriate.

–

Days had passed since then. The war effort continued. But today was cause for a celebration and a welcome chance to recreate a small slice of life back home.

Shiro guided Keith in relative silence, the younger wearing a scowl and crossing his arms over his chest. It hadn't even started yet and already he wanted it to be over.

“Do we really have to?” he whined.

“Just play along,” Shiro urged, “They all worked hard on this.”

Keith clicked his tongue, but didn't argue. Once they approached the door to the main lounge, Shiro stopped him.

“Are you ready?”

He sighed. “As I'll ever be.”

“Good enough,” Shiro said with a knowing smirk. He nudged him forward and the door opened to a room full of dancing multi-colored lights, streamers and balloons.

**“** **Happy birthday!”**

In unison, the rest of the team jumped up from their hiding places and ran to ensnare Keith in a zealous group hug. Shiro joined in, his back to the door, effectively trapping the Red Paladin from retreating.

Pidge, Coran, and Lance each had makeshift party horns dangling from their mouths which they happily blew in Keith's direction before letting go.

“Thanks...guys,” Keith muttered reluctantly. Allura ran off to grab a box of something on the couch and came back, beaming. She threw fistfuls of the insides -- tiny strips of red and white paper -- in the air.

“Pidge and I made confetti! Isn't it wonderful?”

Without waiting for a response, she proceeded to scatter more around the room in utter delight.

“I made cake,” Hunk announced, “Vanilla with chocolate frosting! Your favorite!”

“And I helped set up the lights!”exclaimed Coran.

“And _I_ picked out the music,” Lance said proudly, “Speaking of which...”

He scurried over to Pidge's computer that was plugged into a panel in the wall and pressed a button. He waited, then pressed it again. He frowned.

“Pidge, which button do I...?”

Beside him, she craned her neck to peek at the screen, then typed in a command and pressed “Enter”.

“This one,” she said, pointing, “This one skips the song and this one will pause. These adjust the volume.”

“Got it!”

He pushed a key and upbeat, techno music started to resound from the castle's speaker system. Lance held out his arms like he'd just performed a magic trick.

“Ta-da!”

“Impressive,” Keith said dryly.

“Don't be such a stick in the mud,” Lance said, dragging him to a table set up with with various, alien foods, “Come on, we have snacks.”

Keith looked back at Shiro, an unspoken plea in his eyes, to which he just smiled and waved him off.

“Have fun!”

As if on cue, an autonomous tray floated by carrying cups of a red-orange liquid. He plucked one up, inspected it with a quick swirl, and took a sip. Whatever it was, it wasn't half-bad, albeit a bit sour.

Coran took two of the cups himself and handed one to Pidge nearby.

“This juice is pretty strong, so I recommend taking little sips,” he said.

Pidge brought the drink to her nose and sniffed at it. Gingerly, she let the tiniest bit of the liquid touch her lips and she flicked her tongue out to taste it. Almost immediately, she scrunched up her face and abandoned her cup on a nearby surface.

–

“ _...we both know that nothing more can come of it.”_

“ _...we agree that's all it is.”_

He remembered their promise only days ago, and it burned a hole in the back of his skull. Pidge had practically fled from him after that kiss.

He hadn't fixed a thing. All he'd done was make an even bigger mess.

Some kind of role model he was turning out to be...

She crept into his head at night when he tried to sleep. She'd lie on his chest, looking down at him with doe eyes, her face shadowed by dim light. His arms would wrap around her waist and she'd touch his face, trace the scar across his nose with her deft fingers. Then she'd press her lips like rose petals to his.

His hands would roam over the curve of her back and she'd nip at his earlobe. He'd smile and flip her over so it was her lying on the bed.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

–

A nostalgic pop song wound down and a hip-hop beat started to play over the speakers in its place. In the midst of piling random appetizers on Keith's plate, Lance perked up.

As if he'd completely forgotten Keith's existence, he ran over to Pidge's setup and turned up the volume.

“Aw yeah! This is my jam!” he exclaimed, bobbing his head to the beat. He glided his way over to Allura, who was throwing the last of her confetti on Hunk. Lance waggled his eyebrows at her once he'd gotten her attention, then moonwalked to the middle of the floor.

Both confused and... somewhat impressed, she simply stared.

Pidge was in the middle of experimenting with the lights when Lance passed by her and grabbed her hand.

“Come on, nerd! It's about time I taught you how to dance!”

“Wha-? Wait!” Before she could form much of a protest, she was pulled to the dance floor.

Keith sighed in relief from his spot by the food table, thankful Lance was finally pestering someone else. He popped something like a shrimp in his mouth and glanced around -- everyone seemed more or less occupied.

He started to slink towards the nearest door, only to be stopped by Shiro's outstretched hand on his shoulder.

The Black Paladin shook his head and turned him around. The look he gave said clearly, _“Don't even think about it”,_ and Keith sulked over to the couch, grabbing one of the drinks on his way.

–

Before the song ended, Shiro had finished his glass. He was leaning against the wall, a finger tapping the rim of his cup along to the rhythm.

Coran sidled up to him, beaming. “This was a good idea, don't you think, Shiro?”

“Actually, yeah. I think even Keith is enjoying himself... in his own way.”

They both looked to the birthday boy chuckling at Lance's attempts to teach Pidge and Allura how to dance. He seemed much more at ease now than he had just a few minutes ago.

“By the way,” Shiro held up his empty glass, “What's in this?”

“Pressed _lunariates._ You like it? _”_ His smile turned to concern suddenly. “Wait a tick, you didn't drink that already, did you?”

Shiro glanced down at the cup before settling back on Coran.

“Why?” he asked, frowning. Coran simpered and looked away, his fingers toying with the end of his mustache.

“Oh... um... you'll be fine, just... probably don't drink anymore.”

He slid the glass from Shiro's hand.

“Coran...” he warned him with a glowering stare.

“It's just the faster you drink it, the harder it hits you. You're gonna start to feel... inebriated pretty soon.”

“Shouldn't you have said that earlier?” he asked, his voice accusatory.

“Well, I didn't think you were going to just down the whole thing!” he retorted “That's why I said take small sips!”

“You said it was juice!”

“It _is_ juice!”

Shiro slid a palm down his face – this conversation was going nowhere fast.

“Never mind. I'm gonna go get some water,” he conceded, pushing himself from the wall.

–

Shiro tried eating, thinking that might mitigate the effects of the juice, but to no avail. Once it hit him, it was like a punch to the gut and he had to catch himself with the nearest piece of furniture. Luckily, Hunk was nearby to help him over to the couch.

“I'm fine,” he said, but accepted the help anyway.

His head was swimming... And how were the lights doing that? He rested his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

Keith scooted over to him and yelled over the music, “You alright?” He seemed just the slightest bit amused at seeing their leader in this state.

“Good.” He held up a thumb. “Stay away from the juice.”

“Yeah, I heard,” he said with a hint of a laugh and patted him on the shoulder, “You're gonna be okay, Shiro. Hang in there.”

Lance was in the middle of demonstrating a few of his “signature moves” to the girls when he noticed Shiro incapacitated on the couch.

“Now what do I do with my left foot?” Allura asked him while posed in an awkward position. Pidge chimed in instead.

“I think it goes back like this,” she said, demonstrating with her arms stretched out forward, “And then you move your right foot like this.”

“What kind of dance is this anyway?”

“Don't worry about it,” Lance answered. “You're both doing great.” He gave them a cheesy thumbs up.

Pidge huffed. “Well I _feel_ stupid. Why aren't you making Hunk and Keith dance?”

“Because, silly.” He turned around to grab a cup of the now infamous juice from the floating robot, “Hunk already _know_ _s_ how to dance.”

“Oh yeah? Prove it!” she challenged.

“Fine! I will! Hunk!” he called out, grabbing Hunk's attention from across the room where he was stacking Keith's presents.

He turned around with slumped shoulders. “Now what?”

“You have to join in too, Keith!” said Lance.

Keith nearly choked on his own spit. “What? No! No one said I would have to dance!”

Lance simply grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him up, “Just come on! We'll start with something easy.”

–

It wasn't long before Coran was sucked in as well – though, like Allura, he joined of his volition -- leaving Shiro the only odd man out, though he could at least keep his head upright enough to watch.

Lance had decided to teach them all “the macarena”, to which Keith and Pidge clearly dissented.

“Are you serious?”

“What decade are you living in?”

But his excuse was that no matter how dated, knowing the dance was an intrinsic part of Earth culture and something the two resident Alteans should learn if they wanted to better understand humans.

Naturally, Coran and Allura were the most enthusiastic, whereas Pidge and Keith put in the bare minimum effort – just enough that Lance wouldn't try to scold them and they could get this experience over with.

Lance took on the role of dance instructor easily and arranged his impromptu dance crew in a line. He stopped the music to show them the moves step-by-step, then once he deemed them all ready, brought up the song from his library.

“Shiro!” Allura said almost bounding up to him, “Watch this! It's your Earth 'Marcaina' dance!”

He blinked lazily at her voice and nodded. “Mm.” She jumped back to her place in the line as the music began.

Shiro's focus shifted in and out, but for the most part he managed to pay attention. Sort of. And while the “students” were putting on this performance for their two-man audience, something about the Black Paladin kept Lance's attention.

At first he thought he was just zoning out, until he realized the man's eyes were actually following something...or rather someone. It became the most apparent when everyone had turned around and Shiro suddenly seemed more alert.

He really _hadn't_ meant to stare at her, his gaze had just been drawn to her for some reason. He wasn't even looking at anything in particular, but when his eyes moved dow to follow the slight bend of her waist to her wiggling hips, he realized what he was doing.

A rush of adrenaline sobered him up for the moment and he searched for something, anything else to look at.

When the song ended, both Lance and Shiro applauded them, Lance pretending to tear up. He brought his hand up to wipe away nonexistent tears. “I'm so proud.”

Allura, Coran, and Hunk all bowed and Pidge just rolled her eyes.

“Okay, great. Can I have my cake now?” Keith asked impatiently.

–

After cake, they played a few games of ring toss and Charades, Keith opened his gifts, there was more (watered down) juice, and dancing that devolved into mostly jumping up and down.

Shiro was just alert enough to eat a few bites of cake and participate in Charades, but he eventually left to “just lie down” in the nearest guest room where he quickly fell asleep. And while the party continued without him, the rest of the team took turns checking on him to make sure he was actually okay and didn't somehow overdose.

–

Leading up to it, she hadn't thought she would really enjoy herself, but Pidge was quickly thankful for the distraction. She didn't have time to think about her family. Didn't even have time to think about Shiro. And now she was too exhausted to think about either.

“ _What_ about _him?”_

There wasn't anything _to_ think about. They'd kissed and that was it. It was over. In fact, it wasn't even over because nothing had even begun. It was that simple. Or so she wanted it to be.

Pidge _had_ practically run from him that night. Not in shame, or regret, but in fear he'd see right through her, see she'd lied, see she craved more, their agreement be damned.

It was a stupid thing for him to even suggest! What had be been thinking? ...What had _she_ been thinking?

She kept asking herself that, but she knew exactly what she'd thought, not that it mattered now.

The party had ended almost an hour ago and after a much needed shower and a change into her comfiest clothes, she was curled up under her blanket with her computer by her side and headphones settled over her ears. She was listening to sounds she'd recorded from a rainforest on an alien planet to help her wind down for sleep.

To be fair, tonight she didn't think she'd need it, but it was a bit of a habit. Pidge yawned and stretched her arms over her head. It occurred to her she'd never actually been to a party like this one before tonight and she was sure she was going to wake up with a social hangover.

Mid-stretch, the door to her room slid open and she froze in place. In the doorway appeared a very groggy-looking Shiro, seeming to just barely be keeping himself upright. His half-lidded eyes opened just a little bit wider.

“Oh, hi Pidge. What are you doing in my room?” he asked with a definite hint of a slur.

“ _How much of that stuff did he drink?_

“This is...my room,” she said with wavering confidence.

“Oh.” He squinted slightly at the messy floor, but didn't want to admit he couldn't really tell what he was looking at. “So it is.”

He paused in deliberation. “My bad.”

She gave him a quick once-over. “You okay, Shiro? That juice was pretty strong.”

“I'm fine. S-super fine.” He leaned his elbow against the door frame as if that was somehow proof. “Anyway...”

He picked his way closer, almost stumbling several times despite her being only a few feet away and sat down on the floor in front of her bed. He crossed his arms on the mattress and cradled his head in the crook.

“S'what are you doing?”

Pidge did her best to seem unfazed and looked at her computer screen.

“Not much. Just trying to fix this code I mes-”

She stopped mid-sentence. Something was off, and she turned to see her guest unabashedly staring at her with a goofy smile fixed on his face.

“You have...beautiful eyes,” he said and she stiffened, clearly caught off-guard.

“Uh...thank you.” Her heart skipped a beat.

“ _Calm down. He's just saying stuff 'cause he's drunk.”_

“Would it be bad if I said I wanted to kiss you again?”

That was enough.

“Okay, Shiro. You're drunk. Come on. Who left you alone?” She put her headphones down and scooted out of bed. She pulled at his prosthetic elbow, but he didn't budge.

He was still staring at where she'd been sitting.

“I'm s...serious. I can't stop think about it.” He seemed troubled by this. “Does that make me an awful person?”

Pidge paused, unsure of how to answer that, then tugged at his arm again.

“You're not thinking straight,” she said, “Come on. Let's get you to your _own_ bed before you say something _really_ stupid. Besides, you're the one who said...”

He surrendered his arm as he turned towards her, but still seemed oblivious to her efforts to get him to stand up.

“I know. But I didn't think I would like it so much. I didn't think...” He trailed off like he was trying to remember something. “I don't know what I thought. I'm not supposed to like you this way.”

Her heart beat faster, but she ignored it and ducked under his arm to try to pull him up that way.

“You really shouldn't be saying all this stuff, Shiro.”

“But I mean it. You don't have to let me kiss you again or anything. I just want you to know. You probably hate me for jerking you around... like this. I'm sorry. I didn't... mean to...” His voice faded into silence.

She looked up to see his eyes closed and his jaw slack.

“Shiro?” she tried to no response, “Shiro!” She tried shaking him, but he was lost in dreamland.

“Really?! I'm not dragging you all the way to your room!” she told him exasperated then threw her hands up. She poked her head out the door and peered down the hall.

“Guys! Somebody? A little help?” she yelled out, but got no response. The castle was dead quiet. She knew there was no practical way she could move him by herself, but everyone else was almost definitely knocked out by now...

She closed the door again and crossed her arms at Shiro like a disappointed parent.

“Fine, I _guess_ you can sleep here.”

She grabbed his shoulders and pulled his upper body away from the bed. He succumbed relatively easily, but she wasn't prepared for his dead weight and nearly dropped him. His head lolled back.

“Fuck, you're heavy!” she groaned, then set him down on the ground. She pulled him back a little and uncurled his legs from their sitting position. She dug around under her bed for an extra pillow and when she found it, carefully slid it under his head.

Pidge put a finger to her lips as she looked down at his serene form... He was probably gonna be sore in the morning... But she didn't know what else she could do to make him more comfortable.

He was still dressed in his normal clothes, and while the idea of unzipping his vest was certainly tempting, it would be too much work to actually get it off him. She figured at least she could take off his boots, though almost reconsidered the gesture when she struggled to get them off his feet.

Finally, she threw one of her blankets haphazardly over him and crawled back into bed.

“Sorry Shiro. That's gonna have to do,” she whispered, then turned off the lights.

She tried not to think about the fact she was completely alone with her crush in her room, less than an arm's length away...

–

Shiro turned on his side, his eyes just cracking open and instinctively reached out for the comm device he left on his nightstand to check the time. But his groping hand came up empty and the table was oddly cold. He tried to feel for the end of the nightstand, but found only more flat surface. And...why was the bed so hard?

He scrunched his brows together and tried to blink away the sleep tugging his eyelids closed. In the dark, he saw a pillar of...something that wasn't supposed to be there.

He looked around. None of the vague black-on-black shapes were supposed to be there.

This wasn't his room.

He sat up at full attention then and threw back the blanket covering him.

Shiro jumped to his feet and edged his way backwards into a tall stack of books that noisily toppled over.

“Shit,” he said under his breath.

Pidge jolted up at the sound and flicked on the nearby lamp.

“Wha-?” Her eyes squinted at the sudden light and she was greeted by Shiro standing bewildered halfway across the room. “Shiro?”

“ _Shiro?...Oh, right...”_

“Pidge?” He scanned the room again and his shoulders started to relax. “Why am I in your room?”

She hid a yawn in her hand before answering flatly. “You fell asleep.”

“I fell asleep? Wait... Last night. Keith's party!” he exclaimed, the pieces finally coming together. “I drank that weird juice.”

“Yep,” Pidge affirmed sleepily.

“But why am I...? I didn't do anything...” he searched for a suitable word, “...inappropriate, did I?”

“Well, you thought this was your room, said a bunch of drunk person stuff and then fell asleep, so...”

He frowned at that. “What do you mean?”

She fussed with her hair and avert her eyes. “Nothing important. I wouldn't worry about it.”

When he didn't say anything, she ventured a glance back at him and could see his face almost begging her to elaborate.

“Okay, fine. You just said you... wanted... tokissmeagain,” she mumbled quickly, hoping he wouldn't understand her. But his eyes widened immediately and his whole being seemed to deflate.

“I'm so, _so_ sorry, Pidge. That was completely out of line.” His voice was so genuine. It made her feel bad for him, though she wasn't really sure why.

“It's ok,” she said, forcing a laugh, “It could've been worse.”

“No,” he said somberly, sinking to the floor, “I fucked up.”

She raised an eyebrow at him.

“It's really not that big a deal,” she shrugged, “You were drunk. People say shit like that when they're drunk. Have you...never been drunk before?”

“No, I mean, that's not what I'm talking about. It's not just about last night. I fucked up...” he swallowed, “I shouldn't have kissed you. All I did was make things worse.”

She pulled her own blanket back and planted her bare feet on the floor “Look, it's fine. I'll get over it.”

“I'm not talking about you, Pidge,” he said softly, “I made things worse for me.”

He looked up then, his dark eyes meeting her golden-brown, and it was as if they'd both been frozen in time.

Pidge grappled for something to say.

“I-I don't...” Her heart lodged itself in her throat.

Shiro stood and crossed the room to her bedside, where he lowered himself to his knees in front of her. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“I can't stop thinking about it, about you. I know I shouldn't. I know it's wrong, but I...” he sighed and stared down at his hands.

Pidge worried her bottom lip as she took in the man in front of her, took in the guilt plastered on his face. Was this really happening?

Vines of uncomfortable heat crept over her neck and face.

Shiro looked up at her again and there was something very much like a question lurking deep in his eyes, one she wanted desperately to answer.

Though she hadn't said a word, it seemed she had. His face drew closer and closer until the white tuft of his hair was touching her forehead, and his hands – one foreignly smooth and jointed -- covered hers. She felt herself easing forward and before she could think better of it, their lips met and she wanted to melt.

Unlike before, there was a hunger in the way he kissed her. It took her aback at first, but she quickly warmed up to it. His hands moved up her arms and settled just above her elbows.

But mixing in with the taste of him, there was a sharp tinge of salt. She'd thought it was her imagination, but Shiro must've tasted it too since he reeled back suddenly.

Another drop touched her lips and she realized her sight was blurry with...tears?

He visibly panicked.

“Pidge...what's wrong? I'm sorry! I shouldn't have...we don't have to...”

She wiped at her face with the back of her hand and looked at the evidence in disbelief.

“ _I'm crying? Why am I crying?”_

She wiped her face again on her sleeve and the tears seemed to disappear as quickly as they began.

“Are you okay?” Shiro asked as he started to retreat from her, but Pidge reached out to grab his hand.

“No, I'm okay. I want this. Please. I was just...in my own head for a second I guess.”

He watched her for a moment, his forehead crinkled with concern.

“Really,” she told him, still holding onto his hand, “I'll be mad at you if you leave now.”

The lines in his face softened a bit and he brought his hand to her cheek, brushing a thumb over the corner of her eye to wipe at a tear she'd missed.

“Okay,” was all he said and he pushed her bangs back to place a kiss on her forehead.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this chapter is a _little_ silly, but what is Voltron if not a bit silly sometimes? Also, drunk Shiro because reasons :]


	5. Self Control

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just as a warning, this chapter does have sexual content in it, though not graphic.)

On the surface, nothing had changed between them. But just beneath, everything had.

In a stolen moment, she'd lure him away. To a storage closet, a vacant room. It didn't matter so long as it was empty and secluded.

For the most part, Pidge was the one doing the luring, but Shiro wasn't above stealing her away either.

He'd started implementing one-on-one training sessions with all the paladins on a rotating schedule in order to curb suspicion. Sessions with the green paladin were cut short for...”recess”.

Sometimes after a mission they'd lag behind the others. She'd pass him slowly, her fingers linking with his for just a few precious, exhilarating seconds before breaking away.

Their hearts raced at the threat of getting caught, their secret blown wide open to the ones who mattered most.

What would they all think? What would they say?

They didn't talk about it, but the risk nevertheless loomed over their shoulders and it made their time together all the more thrilling.

-

They'd found a broom closet in one of the quieter sections of the castle to frequent for their lip-locking sessions.

“Tell me to stop. Please tell me to stop and I'll stop.”

Shiro said this to Pidge in between peppering her with kisses. Despite his plea, he had that look in his eyes she'd started to recognize. One that told her just the opposite.

She chuckled into his mouth, “Why would I want to do that?”

“Because we shouldn't be doing this,” Shiro murmured with half-lidded eyes and heated breath.

“I'm the one who started it.”  
Another kiss.

He leaned back so he could meet her gaze.

“I know, but I'm the adult,” he started, and Pidge frowned, “I'm the one who's supposed to-”

She cut him off by slipping her tongue past his parted lips, then pulled away just long enough to whisper, “Please stop talking.”

He did.

Supposed to... Not supposed to... She didn't want to talk about that. Didn't even want to think about it. Not right now.

His hesitation melted slowly like wax. He slid his hands over her thighs, squeezing them gently as he began to surrender to the moment. And as if on cue, an urgent buzzing started to resound throughout their tiny sanctuary. It was coming from Shiro.

He pulled his comm device out of his pocket and silenced it with a tap of his thumb.

“Time's up,” he told her without opening his eyes and Pidge whined before finally breaking away. She directed a pout at him, making sure he saw, and he smiled in empathy. “Come on, I have to set up the training room for Lance.”

She hopped down from her small stack of boxes, smoothed out her shorts and settled her glasses back onto her nose.

“So... I'll see you... later?” Despite their meetings being almost routine by now, a pigment of doubt stained her question.

“Of course, my lady,” he teased with a superfluous bow.

Pidge laughed through a grimace as she jabbed his arm. “Don't do that!”

He winked and brought a robotic finger to his lips. She pantomimed zipping her mouth closed and went dutifully quiet. Shiro cracked open the door and pressed an ear to the opening, listening for any sign of movement in the hallway. The coast was clear.

-

On the surface, nothing had changed between them. But just beneath, barely contained between them was a restless stirring of emotions and desires. It was a question of when, not if their facade would crack.

-

On the training deck, Shiro had set up a labyrinthine obstacle course scattered with virtual baddies for Lance to fight.

“Since we know your strengths are in long range combat, I figured we'd work on some close-quarter fighting. The way this is set up, you won't be able to get much distance from your enemies or be able to avoid them if you want to get to the end.”

Fitted in his Paladin armor, Lance squinted at the tall opaque wall in front of him and rubbed at his chin.

“Don't worry. I'll be able to see you from the observation room,” Shiro continued, pointing to the windowed room above them.

Lance turned his scrutiny to Shiro, then back to the maze, and after a few more moments of silence, Shiro tilted his head. “What?”

He turned back to him, still clearly skeptical.

“Did you test this?”

“Yes, I promise it's safe. The droids are on the easiest setting. For now I'm just looking to observe your technique. If anything goes wrong I'll step in immediately. Promise.”

Lance crossed his arms, unconvinced.

“You know last time I had to fight these without my bayard, I almost got sucked into space, right?”

“Yes, I remember that. But I promise nothing like that will happen this time. They've been rebooted and triple checked since then by Coran, Pidge, _and_ Hunk. You'll be fine, Lance.”

He hummed in thought until Shiro began to worry he'd just refuse.

“Alright,” Lance finally said. “I'm trusting you. But only because it's you.” He handed over his bayard and popped on his helmet.

Shiro gave him a hearty pat on his shoulder before heading upstairs. “Wait for my go ahead, then start whenever you're ready. You've got this.”

-

By the time Lance made it to the end and burst out the exit, he was almost giddy with adrenaline.

“Shiro! Did you see that? Did you see the way I got behind that last one and clocked him right in the back of his head?”

“Not bad, Lance!” Shiro praised over the microphone.

Lance bounced on his toes and threw a few punches in the air. “Bet you didn't expect those moves!”

Shiro smiled at his enthusiasm. “That was great. I told you you'd be fine.”

“Better than fine!”

The elder met him on the lower level with a bottle of water, which Lance accepted gratefully, downing a few gulps before pouring some over his head.

“You and Pidge got about the same time,” he mentioned.

Lance bent over to let the excess water drip onto the floor. “Oh yeah? I still did better though, right?”

“Well....” he shrugged coyly, “I'll let you two figure that out between yourselves.”

The blue paladin sulked at that, but let it go. “By the way, Pidge missed Movie Night last night. You know anything about that?”

Shiro's heart skipped a beat, but he kept his face straight. “No. She didn't say anything to you?”

“Nope.” Lance set his feet apart and started stretching out his hamstrings. 

“I see. Well, I hope she's okay. I can ask her what happened if I see her,” Shiro offered.

“No, that's ok. I'm sure she's fine. I just figured you might know something since you've been keeping an eye on her lately.

He opened his mouth to speak, but his reply shriveled on his tongue. What was that supposed to mean?

Everything in him screamed, _“He knows!”_ but Shiro swallowed any panic and played it cool. “I'm...not following.”

“Oh, don't worry about it. Inside joke,” Lance said as he positioned himself upright again. “I'll just talk to her later. Anyway, what's next?”

The air between them suddenly felt a lot thicker. He'd dismissed it so casually. “Keeping an eye on her” had to mean something, but he didn't dare push it. He was just reading too much into it. There's no way he found out.

He set his fears aside for the moment.

“Right, so...”

-

Shiro kept his promise, and when he arrived at Pidge's room, she was in the middle of modeling some kind of tunic he'd never seen before.

He raised an eyebrow, “What are you wearing?”

“I got it as a gift from one of the planets we liberated a few weeks ago. Remember? They gave you some kind of rock...thing.”

Shiro's forehead wrinkled a bit as he tried to remember.

“Oh yeah. I should probably look for that,” he mumbled to himself.

She spun away from the mirror and held her arms out at her sides. “So what do you think?”

The garment was loose on her, though he couldn't tell if that was on purpose. It seemed halfway between a top and a dress. The sleeves went a bit past her elbows and from what he could tell, Pidge wasn't wearing any shorts – the hem only went down to about mid-thigh, giving him a full, unhampered view of her legs.

He tried not to stare.

“It's...short.”

“Yeah.” She dropped her arms and glanced back at the mirror. “I'm not really sure how to wear it, to be honest. But it's a nice color.” He thought so too. Emerald green suited her.

“I think you're supposed to wear bottoms with it.”

She shrugged. “Probably.”

“I can come back later.”

“No need,” she smirked, but he'd looked away before he could see it.

He sat down in her desk chair and tapped his fingers on one of the arms to help collect his thoughts. His mouth set in a hard line.

“Listen, I might be thinking too much into it, but I get the feeling Lance knows something. Or at least he's suspicious. He mentioned you missed Movie Night last night.”

Her eyes widened as the realization hit her. “Aw, dammit! I knew I forgot something. He wasn't mad, was he?”

“No. He didn't seem mad. But I think he knows there's something going on between us. He said something about me 'keeping an eye on you lately', but then dismissed it.”

He looked up and her demeanor was a lot more relaxed than he'd expected. He watched her fold her glasses and put them on the night stand.

“Well, did you tell him about us?”

“No,” he began but she interrupted.

“And neither did I. And we've been careful, so I'm sure it's nothing.”

A line formed between his eyebrows then. “You're not worried?”

“No. If somehow he knows, then he knows, and there's nothing we can do about it now anyway. But really, I think he's just fishing about my 'crush'. But if you didn't say anything, then it's fine.”

“I see,” he said, though he wasn't sure he really did. “Still, you shouldn't give him any reason to be suspicious to begin with.”

Pidge finally looked a bit guilty. “I know. That was my bad.”

He sighed, closing his eyes. “Well, maybe I am reading too much into it.”

“You do worry too much, Shiro,” she said and stretched her arms over her head.

“Maybe,” he conceded, his shoulders easing a bit. He opened his eyes then, catching her mid-stretch, the tunic creeping even higher up her thigh. On instinct, he looked away, blushing crimson.

She stuck her tongue out through a smile and started towards him, stopping at his feet. “You know, I think I know what might help you relax.”

It was his turn to be suspicious and she slowly spun him around so his back was facing her.

“You should probably take the vest off first.”

He ventured a look back at her and she held up her hands. “I'm not gonna do anything weird. It's just a massage.”

“Mhm,” he mused, but unzipped and removed the black vest anyway, revealing the thinner, skin-tight shirt underneath.

The massage started off innocently enough as Pidge worked her fingers and palms over the muscles in his shoulders and neck. She did know a thing or two about proper technique – one of those things that seemed like it might come in handy someday – and Shiro would be lying if he said it wasn't relaxing.

At least it was until he felt something warm and wet on his ear. He didn't have time to be surprised as it was quickly followed by just a hint of teeth and he had to resist the urge to shiver.

She was a fast learner.

He swiveled the chair a bit to face her.

“Just a massage, huh?” he asked, pretending to reprimand her and Pidge forced her lips together in a struggle to seem innocent.

He touched her hand on his shoulder and she took it as an invitation to crawl into his lap, which she straddled easily, then looped her arms around his neck. Shiro tried not to think about the fact her top was only just covering her crotch at this point. Instead he focused on the softness of her lips and the eagerness of her tongue moving against his.

His hands held her waist, then slid around to her back. Her hands roamed over his collarbone, his throat, and down his chest.

He hummed softly and loosened his hold on her. She took it as a sign he wanted something and she released his bottom lip with a tiny pop. She kept her nose touching his.

“You know, you're getting good at this,” he told her, his voice already husky.

“I have a pretty good teacher,” she said without missing a beat.

Amused, he pulled her closer and captured her lips again before moving to plant a kiss on her jaw, below her chin, then down the length of her neck.

A sigh escaped her throat and Shiro couldn't couldn't help feeling a bit of pride at the way she responded to him. Her skin was so warm and enticing. It was hard to resist using his teeth to give her a nice little mark, but he did his best to be gentle. They weren't there yet, though he knew if he asked, she'd probably say yes.

She was oddly...easygoing. Bold even. Perhaps too much. He had to remind himself to be careful with her. Despite her clear enthusiasm, she was still new to this and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her.

As he saw it, he was her practice dummy, of sorts. He let her take the lead, but he'd reel her in if she went too far. At least, that was his intention – the more they practiced, the less confident he was he could actually do that.

-

When he finally snuck back into his own room that night, he pressed his back against the door as soon as it closed and took a deep breath. He didn't bother turning on the lights.

Just the short walk from her room to his was pushing him close to the edge – the friction in his pants almost more than he could bear.

_“Shower. Cold. Now,_ ” he instructed himself, but that was the last thing he wanted.

Instead, he sat down on his bed and fell back, eyes closed, arms splayed out at his side and tried to ignore it.

“Get it together, Takashi, you're not a hormonal teenager.” Despite the authority in his voice, he didn't get up. The coiled heat reaching from his stomach to the tip of his prick had other ideas, much more enticing ideas.

He was already this hard. It wouldn't take much...

_“Get up.”_

He thought about it, but his head was foggy with the need for sleep and his nagging libido.

“Just a little bit... then I'll shower,” the voice in his head bargained, but even as he did, he was rolling over onto his stomach.

Truthfully he couldn't remember the last time he'd actually pleasured himself; he usually had more important things on his mind. Though right now, she was the only significant thing he could think about. Not life or death, not the fate of the universe -- her.

He was only half-aware that his hips were now languidly grinding into the mattress.

The catalyst was the image of her wearing that tunic, how it'd given him an unfettered view of her milky thighs. He knew she'd done that on purpose.

He thought about the feel of her settled on his lap. He'd wanted to snake his hands under her top, feel the skin of her lithe body all the way up to her breasts. He wanted to know every inch of her.

He wanted to indulge her in a way she'd never felt before. She deserved that. If it was in his power, he wanted to give it to her. He wanted to unravel her from the inside out. He wanted to hear her satisfied sighs – and his name – tumble from her lips in feathery moans over and over and over...

His breath hitched and his fingers curled into the blankets. He hissed as the waves of orgasm slammed over him and his teeth clenched as he tried to suppress a grunt. There was no turning back. All he could do was ride it out.

Once he was finally free, he found himself weak and panting...and ultimately, guilty.

This was getting out of hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna be honest, this chapter isn’t my favorite, but I feel like it’s necessary to get where I’m trying to go, so… idk we'll see.  
> Anyway~ Shiro is Gross™, but he cares, and he’s trying to be good. (And don’t worry, this isn’t going to turn into a smut fic.)


	6. Beware of Pitfalls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is a smart cookie, more pining, Pidge gets a cryptic warning, and fluff :3

Her skin singed when he left.

She trailed her hands over her arms as if that could somehow soothe the burning. Everything was too warm, her heart beat too fast, and her thoughts felt thick and heavy like trudging through quicksand.

It was somehow both too much, and not enough.

She almost couldn't believe this was real. What did someone like Takashi Shirogane see in someone like her?

“ _He's probably just waiting to get into your pants. Even 'Shiro the Hero' must get lonely sometimes.”_

He wasn't like that, was he? Not Shiro, the famed pilot her whole family admired. Not the poster boy for all things good in the universe. But even if he was, what did it matter if it meant she got to feel like this?

“Besides, it's not like I'm in love with him. If sex is all he wants, that's fine by me,” she decided out loud.

Pidge still hadn't changed out of the tunic she'd used to tease him with and a smile crept over her lips as she thought about how worked up he'd gotten over it. She never dreamed it would work so well.

Katie never really thought of herself as sexy before, especially after taking on the role of “Pidge” and cutting her long hair to get into the Garrison. Yet spending time with Shiro made her feel like the most desirable human in the known universe.

She could get used to that. Addicted even. 

She sat on her bed, half kneeling, and her eyes were drawn to the chair he'd been sitting in just minutes ago. She didn't want to get up or go to sleep, didn't want to fully acknowledge the moment was gone. If she stayed like this, she could at least pretend. She could at least close her eyes and savor his lingering touch.

His hands were always so warm. Even the prosthetic was warm, though still a bit cooler than his human hand. She wondered exactly how it connected to the rest of his arm. What did it look like inside? Was it fully artificial, or was there something organic in its components? Could he even feel with that hand?

She made a mental note to ask him someday.

Either way, the level of control he had over its movement was impressive, to say the least. It could be firm and unyielding or careful and precise, like when he gripped her thighs or tangled his fingers in her hair.

She did love when he got into it.

Pidge thought about his breath on her neck and her head sloped to one side as she recalled the feel of his tongue and his lips exploring her skin. It sent a new surge of heat coursing through her and she could feel her underwear getting wet again.

She couldn't stand it anymore. She grabbed one of her pillows and stuffed it in the space between her legs before starting to rock herself back and forth. Her eyes pointed glazed and unfocused at the door.

What if he were to walk in right now and see her like this? What would he do? Would he be shocked? Would he turn right back around, all flustered and embarrassed? Or maybe he'd stand there and watch while she pretended not to notice him. Maybe he'd even come up to her and help...

She liked that idea the most.

She imagined him behind her, one large hand clasped around her throat, and the other diving into her panties.

“Fuck, Shiro...” Why did he do this to her? It wasn't fair!

She pressed a hand over her mouth to muffle the sound of her crying out as her body pitched forward and her knees squeezed the pillow in a vice grip.

–

The team had landed on a desert planet with rolling sand dunes as far as the eye could see for another diplomacy mission. When they stepped off the castle ship, they were confronted with one almost as tall as the ship itself.

It cast a daunting shadow over them.

“Whoa...” was the collective response, though Shiro and Allura seemed relatively unfazed as they pored over their navigation equipment.

“Come on, team. Looks like we've got a bit of a hike ahead of us,” Shiro called behind him once they'd set a course.

“Why didn't we just land closer?” Keith asked, “Or better yet, take the lions?”

Allura looked up briefly from a device much like a GPS with several blinking dots.

“Unfortunately, the ground is too unstable for the ship to land any closer, and sandstorms come and go quickly. Walking is our best option. Be careful not to stray too far. There are sinkholes nearly everywhere,” she explained before turning back to the device. Shiro walked beside her, holding open a physical map.

Keith lifted his shoulders in resignation and followed them up the dune. Pidge, Hunk, and Lance all shared a glance and shrugged themselves.

On the way up, Pidge and Lance had started trying to use the others' footprints as stairs.

They made it to the top, but instead of sliding down the other side, they followed the dune's crest. Without the shade, the sun was almost blinding in the clear sky, even as they traveled in the opposite direction.

“So... Lance...” Pidge started.

“Hm?”

“Sorry I missed Movie Night the other day. I sorta crashed early I guess.”

She didn't look at him, instead stared down at her feet as she spoke. Partially to keep from tripping over the shifting sand.

“Yeah, I ended up watching the movie with Hunk, but he got scared, so we stopped about halfway through.”

Hunk whirled his head around. “Hey! You were scared too!” he contested, but Lance waved him off.

“Anyway, my point is it didn't work out.”

Pidge tilted her face away to hide a chuckle. “Sorry. I promise to make it up to you.”

“How's that?”

“We can watch whatever you want next time.”

“ _Whatever_ I want?” Lance smirked.

“Yep.”

“So...what you're saying is...you'll finally watch Mean Girls with me?”

“...Yeah.”

“Including the bonus features?”

Pidge wrinkled her nose and fought against the urge to refuse. It would be worth it, she reminded herself. Besides, maybe she wouldn't hate it.

“And the bonus features,” she eventually said with a sigh.

“Hell yeah!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist, “Okay, you're forgiven.” He offered his gloved pinky, which she hooked with her own and they shook on their new deal.

“ _That was easy.”_

“You know, you've been turning in early a lot lately. Shiro pushing you too hard? I mean, with all the new training and everything.”

“Uh,” she gave him a half-hearted laugh, “Maybe a little.”

He nodded and went quiet for a few seconds too long. Pidge flicked her eyes up towards him, but his face was unreadable through his helmet.

“You should be careful about that. Tell him to go easy on you.”

She wanted to assure him she could handle it, but the gravity in his voice gave her pause. She wasn't sure what to make of it.

“Yeah,” she said, taciturn, but Lance didn't seem to notice.

\--

It'd taken them shy of an hour to get there, but they reached the settlement they were looking for unscathed.

On the horizon sat a large dome structure seemingly made entirely of some kind of stone. Inside it housed a vast network of caves, tunnels, and ravines seeming to connect even further underground.

Just how big was this colony?

As they wound their way down into its depths, escorted by sword wielding guards, they passed through a flurry of people hawking all kinds of foreign wares, from produce to medicines, to textiles and live animals.

Among the bustle, covering an entry-way carved into the cavern wall was a bright, though worn woven tapestry where a native alien emerged, their eyes covered by some kind of cloth. They appeared to be watching the Paladins.

Pidge noticed immediately but didn't give it a second thought until she realized the alien's “gaze” was fixed on her specifically.

The alien's lips moved as if in a whisper, but in all the commotion, Pidge heard nothing but all the shouting around her.

She turned her head forward and a tender voice as clear as if it were from inside her own head spoke.

“ _Come speak to me. I may have answers you seek.”_

Pidge whipped back around, but the alien was gone.

“Did you guys hear that?”

“Hear what?” asked Hunk, “That guy trying to sell that giant roach? Gross, right?””

Lance idly twirled his helmet on his fingertips like a basketball.

“What are you even supposed to do with it?”

“Maybe it's a pet?”

“Uh...yeah, maybe,” Pidge offered weakly.

Before they made it back to the surface, she resolved to find a chance to slip away and talk to the mystery alien. But she was in luck; after convincing the acting king and queen to join their coalition, they'd been informed of a sandstorm making it too unsafe for them to travel back to the ship anytime soon.

“You're all welcome to stay until the storm passes.”

“How long will that be?”

“Likely several hours, I'm afraid. But we'd be happy to provide you with lodging until then.”

“I see.”

Shiro and Allura exchanged a look to gauge the other's reaction, but came to the same conclusion.

Allura spoke up.

“If it's no imposition, we'd very much appreciate whatever hospitality you would offer us.”

With that, they were taken from the palace, across a courtyard lush with green fauna and splashed with color from small, glowing bird-like creatures.

Pidge paused to inspect one sitting on a low branch making a soft clicking sound.

“Huh.”

They entered a guest house the size of a small Earth mansion with servants scurrying about carrying things like linens and potted plants while others were in the middle of dusting statues and furniture.

“Wow,” Shiro mused aloud, “This is...a lot.”

“I'll say,” Hunk agreed, gawking up at the high ceiling and painted mural above them.

Their escort smiled.

“Nonsense!” he insisted. “Come. Allow me to show you around. You all must be tired from your journey.”

Pidge took this opportunity to slink off, only telling Keith where she was going when he caught her scooting away from the group.

He simply nodded and mouthed, “Be careful.”

When she reached the marketplace, everything was much quieter than we'd they'd first arrived. The street lamps and scattered lights had dimmed, most likely to mimic the coming night outside.

Now, where had she seen that doorway?

–

She retraced their steps back up the winding slope and found it easily. A warm light emanated from around the fringes of the textile door.

She stood outside, her confidence suddenly wavering. Who even was this person? What if it was some kind of trap? As she debated whether or not to knock, the native emerged, smiled and held the tapestry aside for Pidge to enter.

As she did, a clawed hand reached out and plucked a single hair from Pidge's head.

Her hand flew to where the hair had been yanked.

“Ow! What the hell?”

The alien smiled and trotted away behind a large chest, atop which sat a bowl of clear liquid....water?

They dropped the strand into the bowl and watched as it fell.

“What's going on?” Pidge asked, still covering her head defensively, and was motioned towards an over-sized cushion.

“Sit,” was all they said. Pidge obeyed and stared at her bowl. The hair was spinning slightly on the liquid's surface. “Fate wishes to speak with you.”

She scrunched up her face. “So, wait a minute. Are you some kind of...psychic... fortune teller? 'Cause I'm really not looking to get my fortune read and I don't have any money, so...”

“Hush,” the stranger insisted and raised their hands over the bowl. They started humming, softly at first, then louder. Pidge sat and watched, dumbfounded.

Finally, they spoke up again and as Pidge listened, their rich accent became obvious.

“There is a great emptiness in you. A hole that should not be. It's edges are...jagged. It would seem the tear is fresh. Time has passed...but not healed. This void...you've suffered a great loss. Someone close to you?”

“You could say that,” Pidge answered, not wanting to give this “fortune teller” any leads.

“This emptiness is very dark, but I see...I see something faint. There is hope within you.” The alien seemed to look at Pidge despite the cloth still covering their eyes. “This is good. Without hope, such voids can be consuming and grow beyond control, hard to contain.”

The native's hands shifted around the bowl and their fingers twitched. The strand of hair started to move again.

“There's something else... Someone seems to be occupying this space. Perhaps related to what you've lost. Someone dear, of that I am sure. This person seems to be carrying some of that hope, that light, however faint.”

“And who is this person?” Pidge ventured. Just what did this stranger really know?

“I cannot see. Their face...their figure is faint. Clouded by the darkness of the void.”

“Hm.” Pidge was not convinced. “ _This is definitely a scam,”_ she thought.

At that moment, the strand of her hair submerged with a _plop_ and turned the water around it black, as though it were secreting some kind of ink. It continued to spread, the water growing darker and darker.

The alien's brow furrowed.

“What does that mean? Why's it doing that?” Pidge asked, unable to hide the unease in her voice. She was far from superstitious, but even this was enough to give her some doubts.

“Something is shifting. Even as we speak, the winds are shifting. The emptiness grows. Another loss.”

“What do you mean?” Pidge sprang to her feet, her hands slamming on either side of the bowl. Her fear was obvious now. But the alien did not react.

“You must steel yourself for what is to come. The person cannot hold this light for much longer. The void will grow darker, deeper...”

“Wait!” Pidge yelled, “What does that mean?” Her eyes searched the bowl desperately but she was unable to make out anything in the black water.

The native went silent for a moment, then slowly lowered their hands to rest atop Pidge's .

“I am sorry young one, that is all I can tell you. My eyes can only see what the fates wish to show me.”

A pit grew in her stomach, creeping into her throat. She tried to swallow it down.

“Is there anything I can do to stop...whatever it is? At least tell me that! Please! I need to know!”

“I do not know. But there is always a chance. The fates are fickle that way.”

“I really don't understand. What am I supposed to do?”

“I wish that I could help you more, young one, but I can tell you this: Despair must never win. No matter what.”

–

She could see him waiting for her in the parlor room closest to the foyer with the biggest set of stairs. A fire cracked in the hearth nearby while he lied on one of the couches, his hands folded behind his head and legs crossed at the ankles. Though his eyes were closed, he didn't look quite peaceful.

Pidge clicked the front door closed as quietly as she could, holding her breath in anticipation of being caught. From what she knew, he was usually a light sleeper. But where was everyone else?

As she thought this, she heard a cacophony of laughter from upstairs.

“ _Never mind. That answers that,_ ” she said under her breath.

She crept past the open doorway between her and Shiro and made it to the stairs. But as soon as she set foot on the first step,

“Pidge,” he called, sounding like a chastising teacher.

“Dammit.”

She doubled back, just far enough that she could poke her head into view. “Hey, Shiro! Didn't see you there.”

He peeked at her through one open eye, closed it and shook his head, a faint smile playing at his lips. She entered the room and took in all the unnecessary trappings. Was this really a guest house?

She took in Shiro, too. He looked... clean, though still dressed in his armor's undersuit, unlike Pidge who could suddenly feel all the sand in the creases of her face and neck.

“Shower's open if you want it. And there's a bunch of leftover food in the kitchen.”

“Uh, cool. Thanks... You're uh...you're not gonna ask me where I was?”

He opened an eye again. “I will. Later. I'll let you settle in first.”

“Oh... ok.”

She hesitated, but turned around and headed upstairs.

By the time she'd returned, Shiro really had fallen asleep. He woke up to her gently poking his cheek from where she sat on the floor. He arched his back, stretching slowly, and started to sit up. Even though she'd disturbed him from his sleep, he still had a warm smile for her.

“It's not morning already, is it?”

“No. It hasn't even been an hour yet. Sorry for ditching you guys earlier.”

“You didn't miss anything,” he said through a yawn. He sat up fully, rolling his shoulders. She looked up at him from her seat on the floor and tilted her head like a confused puppy.

He chuckled and she smiled.

“You can sit on the couch, you know. I don't take up that much space.”

“Yeah...”

“I think the others are playing Poker or Black Jack. One of those. You don't want to join them?”

“No,” she said and he studied her.

“I'm getting the feeling you want something, Katie.”

Her eyes shifted upwards as she thought about it. “Sort of. I'm waiting for you to scold me for leaving all of a sudden.”

“Honestly, I don't think I need to this time. Though I'd be lying If I said I wasn't curious where you ran off to.”

She wasn't sure if she could really tell him the truth, that she heard a fortune teller in her head ask to see her and they pulled a hair out of her scalp that turned some water black.

“Someone wanted to talk to me. They told me they had information I was looking for and asked me to meet them.”

“And?”

“Turned out to be nothing.”

His face softened with sympathy. “I'm sorry to hear that.”

She shrugged, “I wasn't expecting much anyway.”

“Well, I'm glad you made it back in one piece.”

“Me too,” she grinned. “Any word about the storm?”

He shook his head. “Looks like we're gonna be here till morning after all.”

Pidge got to her feet in front of him, then leaned forward, catching herself so her hands were on either side of him. She bent her elbows to ease slowly towards him.

“That's not so bad.”

She drew closer and closer until their lips met in a soft kiss and she straightened her arms out again.

“You shouldn't do that here. Someone could see,” he said, but he didn't seem exactly worried about it. Quite the opposite.

“I guess I shouldn't do this either.” She turned around and sank down into his lap.

He didn't protest. Instead he secured an arm around her waist to keep her from sliding off.

Her head fell back to rest on his shoulder and he pressed his lips into her shower-dampened hair. He sighed contentedly. He could fall asleep again right there with Pidge nestled in his lap. He almost forgot he wasn't supposed to be doing this.

As if reading his mind, Pidge piped up, “I wish we didn't have to worry about someone seeing us.”

“I know. I do too.”

“Why _do_ we have to? Who cares if someone sees?”

“You know why,” he said patiently and she grumbled.

“Doesn't mean it's not stupid.”

Pidge flipped over to face him and studied his face the way she inspected her most recent inventions for flaws. Shiro watched her eyes flicking over his face, amused, but said nothing.

She seemed disappointed as she leaned back and her golden eyes trailed down his torso.

“Ugh, why are you so attractive?”

Shiro burst into a laugh and nearly doubled over. Pidge didn't think she'd ever seen him laugh so hard.

“Why are you laughing?” she asked, her eyes narrowing.

“I'm sorry,” he said and tried to contain himself, “I just...ah...” He wiped at the corner of his eye where a tear had started to form. “I wasn't expecting that.”

He sniffed and cleared his throat.

“Pidge.” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “You know, I could ask the same of you.”

She gave him her best eye roll.

“Spare me.”

He shrugged. “I dunno. You are awfully cute.”

“I'm not cute!”

“Sorry. Not cute. Beautiful,” he corrected before capturing one of her hands and bringing it to his mouth. He didn't know if he'd ever get used to how small her hands felt compared to his.

“Gorgeous,” he continued, “And...”

He kissed her knuckles, then smoothly lapped one of her fingers into his mouth, sucking on it gently before releasing her.

“Delicious.”

Pidge's eyes widened and her face bloomed bright red.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not sure how many chapters are left, but thank you to everyone who's stuck around so far! It means a lot to know there are people out there actually enjoying this besides myself ^^;


	7. Her Escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the hiatus!

She aimed her bayard at the cloaked alien across the dingy room.

“You'll shut up right now if you know whats good for you!” Pidge threatened.

He crossed his arms over his chest while his lone eye gave her a lazy once-over. He rose from his seat at the control tower's console and took a step towards her.

“Listen, _**kid.**_ ” He spat the word out at her feet and cracked a smile. “I'm just telling it like it is. The odds ain't in your favor. You're supposed to be the smart one, right? You should know that.”

Her fists clenched, but she held her ground. She would not give him the satisfaction.

“He's not dead! Neither of them are dead!” At this point, she didn't care who heard them anymore. The mission was already bunked anyway.

He tapped a finger to his lips and pretended to give it genuine thought before pointing a slimy grin at her. “You seem awful sure about that for someone who's been begging me for leads and who's only reached dead end after dead end. Your case is cold, sweetheart.”

She was so tempted to pull the trigger, just to wipe that smile off his face, but she knew that's what he wanted. Instead she forced her arm down and stomped right up to him, grabbing him by the collar of his cloak. She pulled him down to her level and he blinked slowly.

“I'm _not_ a kid and _don't_ call me 'sweetheart'! If you don't have proof then I don't wanna hear it. You're wasting my time!”

He shrugged innocently. “Suit yourself.”

She released him with a shove and stormed out of his office without a second glance.

–

“Have you heard anything from Pidge and Lance yet?” Coran asked a wound up Shiro.

“Negative.” The evenness of his voice belied his nerves while he kept his eyes trained on the giant monitors in the bridge.

“They were supposed to report in over a varga ago. I should've gone with them.”

He said this more to himself than anyone else.

“To be fair,” Coran tried, “You had your own mission to deal with. I'm sure they're okay.

“I just have a bad feeling about this. We should've heard from them by now.” It was taking almost everything in him to not charge after them in Black right then.

“Blue to HQ, this is Lance reporting in.”

Relief washed over him, then annoyance.

“Lance, you're late.”

“Sorry Shiro, we ran into some...issues.”

“Is Pidge with you?”

“Yup, right behind me. We're on our way back now.”

“And...?”

Lance shook his head.

At least his Paladins were safe...

“Alright. We have your coordinates. Allura's opening a wormhole for you. Once you get back, meet me in the hangar for debriefing.”

“Sure thing. Lance out!”

The moment they arrived, Pidge jumped out of Green's mouth before the mechanical lion's feet even touched the floor.

She marched towards one of the elevators and yanked off her helmet, hurling it at the nearest wall.

Lance followed behind, rushing to keep up with her and almost stumbling in the process.

“Pidge, wait! Come on!” he called after her.

In and out. Ignoring him, she breathed deep, trying her best to at least quell the fire in her chest and in her focus, bumped into a familiar torso.

“Pidge?”

She granted Shiro a glance like passing daggers. If looks could kill... Then she brushed past him.

“Wait, Pidge,” he said, and caught her shoulder. This earned him another silent glare and she shrugged him off. “What's going on?”

“Nothing. There's nothing to report. Mission was a dead end.” Her voice was smooth and cold as ice.

She continued towards the elevators and refused to look back.

He stared after her, knowing he should scold her for her insubordination. But he couldn't. Instead he turned to Lance as he caught up to him.

“I'm sorry, Shiro,” he sighed, exasperated as if he were excusing a petulant child. “She's been like this since we left the planet. Do you want me to go get her?”

Shiro crossed his arms and watched as the door whooshed closed behind her.

“No, let her get it out of her system,” he decided, reluctantly, and guided Lance back to the main landing of the ship. “In the meantime, you'll have to fill me in without her.”

-

She hadn't said two words to anyone since their return. Even to Hunk and Coran who were oblivious to the reason behind her bad mood and just wanted to cheer her up. Shiro tried and tried to get something out of her, but she didn't budge.

Even with only the two of them, alone in the strategy room, she wouldn't budge. Would barely even look him in the eyes for fear he'd see something he wasn't supposed to.

It wasn't until hours later, when the team was all tucked in their beds that she showed signs of life again.

She meant to avoid Shiro. She wanted to avoid him, but she remembered their last rendezvous. She remembered straddling his lap.

She'd ground her hips down, drawing a soft, almost primal growl from him.

Immediately he grabbed her waist to stop her.

“Katie...” he started, breathless. “Don't do that.”

“Why not? You seem to like it,” she teased. She did love teasing him. She hoped one of these days it'd be enough to actually get him to let go of that beloved control he held onto so tightly.

“That's the problem. I do. Too much. I'm having a hard enough time controlling myself as it is.”

She smirked.

“Then don't. I want to and you want to, so why don't we?” she asked while her thin fingers started to caress his neck and jaw.

“You know why,” he said flatly.

There was a pause and Pidge slumped forward with a groan.

“You're doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Treating me like a kid!”

“I'm not.” He let out a sigh and cupped her face in his hands. “You have no idea how much I want to... but not like this. You can't take back your first time. If we do this I want to do it right.”

The man was insufferable sometimes. What did that even mean, “do it right”? And why did he care so much about that anyway? It was just sex, not heart surgery...

Tonight, she was a whirlwind. A bundle of tension and bottled rage. And only Shiro could soothe her. Not even tinkering with new alien tech could take the edge off anymore. Only Shiro. Only him.

He was in the midst of dozing off when the door to his bedroom opened and she nearly tackled him, pinning him down with a kiss. He'd jolted a bit, then relaxed once he realized it was just Pidge and not some alien about to suck his insides out through his mouth.

He wanted to reciprocate in his sleepy stupor, but the feel of her trembling lips stopped him. It wasn't long until her hand was covering his eyes and pushing his head away so she could bury her face in his pillow.

He felt her lurch softly and her fingers curled into his sleeve.

“Easy, Pidge, easy. What's going on? Talk to me.”

His voice was so soft, so kind and patient as his prosthetic hand weaved its way into her hair to massage her scalp.

“I'm real fucking sick of you seeing my cry!” she complained and a hot tear slipped onto the pillow.

“Language,” Shiro chided with a rueful smile. It was a joke. She knew it, but she didn't laugh, though she wanted to for him.

He didn't have to ask, but he did anyway.

“What happened, Katie?”

Her name always sounded so beautiful when he said it.

She shook her head.

Shiro turned over on his side, his eyes fixed on her outline in the dark.

“It's gonna be okay,” he offered.

She wanted to believe that. Desperately she wanted to, and those words coming from him was nearly enough to make her believe.

“What if it's not, Shiro? You can't know that.”

“It will be,” he insisted in that stalwart way of his, a bit to her surprise. “No matter what happens, it will be okay.”

She turned her head just enough to peek at him from under her bangs.

“You don't believe me?” he asked, but she didn't answer. Instead, she figured now was just as good a time as any...

“Shiro,” she began, “I want to have sex.”

“...With you,” she added in case he tried to play dumb.

His fingers stopped and she felt him shift under the blankets.

“Now?”

“Yes,” she said simply, “Right now.”

“I thought we talked about this.”

“We did, but I don't want to wait anymore.”

Admittedly, he knew the feeling.

“I appreciate your enthusiasm. I really do. But I don't want you to rush this.”

“I don't mind.”

“But I do. It's... it would be your first time and... I just want to make sure you've thought about this.”

She braced herself on her elbows to get a good look at him.

“I have! Besides, I don't see why it matters. It's just sex! Everyone does it.”

“That's besides the point, Pidge. If we do have sex, I want to do it right.”

There it was again!

“I don't want to hurt you and I don't want you to regret it.”

“And I won't if it's with you,” she said, pressing her body against him as if to further convince him.

“Just promise me you'll think about it...” She opened her mouth, but he cut her off before she could argue that she had. “And I mean _really_ think about it. Okay? We have time. I'm not going anywhere.”

She studied him with her eyebrows pinched together like she was working on a retort, then flopped onto her back.

She grumbled under her breath, “You don't know that...”

“What?”

“Nothing,” she sighed, “Fine, I promise.”

“Good.” Relieved, he gave her a kiss on her now exposed cheek. “Now you should get off me and go to bed before I have a lapse in judgment.”

–

The next morning, Lance all but cornered Pidge in her bathroom, his long limbs blocking the doorway like some kind of goalkeeping spider.

She pushed her hair back, still wet from the shower, and eyed him suspiciously. She could easily duck under him... She adjusted her towel as if to preparing to do just that.

“Look Pidge, I've been trying to be a good friend and keep my nose out of your business, but I have to say something!”

“About what?”

He broke eye contact and hesitated. Pidge just turned to the sink and grabbed her toothbrush.

“Well?” she asked his reflection.

He dragged a hand through his hair, but still wouldn't look at her.

“Look, I don't...I don't care what you do or...or _who_ you do, just...please be careful. And don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for.”

“ _Great, now Lance too?”_

She turned back around and folded her naked arms.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” She didn't bother to try to sound convincing.

Lance tilted his head back into the hallway to make sure they were alone. They were, but he lowered his voice anyway.

“I know about you and Shiro, okay? I don't know who else knows, and I won't tell anyone, but I'm serious.”

She decided to give up the charade.

“I don't need the talk from you.”

“I get that. I do. I just...” he drummed a finger on the door frame as he racked his brain for the right words. “I'm just a little worried about you, okay? I mean...with our last mission and... I mean...he's our leader and he's a few years older...”

Her eyes narrowed. The pieces were coming together.

“Wait a minute...” She braced her hands on the sink behind her. “You think he's pressuring me?!”

He realized too late the landmine he'd stepped on, but there was no going back.

“No... I don't know... maybe. It's just... I can't imagine Shiro ever doing something like that on purpose, but...”

She cut him off again.

“He's not!”

“Okay, but well... he's still a guy...”

She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

“You're a guy too! Are you saying you've pressured someone into fucking you?”

For a moment, he forgot about blocking the door and his hands flew up in defense.

“No! Of course not!”

“Well, either you're lying or your argument is garbage!”

“I'm not lying and my argument is not garbage!” he protested, fists set on his hips. “Listen, as much as I hate to admit it, guys can be... pushy when it comes to these things. That's just common knowledge. Not all of them. But a lot of them. So it's not unreasonable for me to be worried about that.”

“Well he's not, alright? Are you satisfied?” she asked through gritted teeth, but she didn't wait around to hear his answer. “You know what? I'm late to meet Hunk,” she muttered and slipped past him, abandoning her toothbrush.

\--

“ _What the hell is his problem? How dare he?? I'm not stupid! I know when I'm being taken advantage of! And it's not like it's any of his business anyway!”_

She rummaged through a pile of clothes she'd forgotten to fold after laundry day.

“ _Thinks he knows everything just because he's older. Just 'cause he's had his first time before me.”_

She scoffed as she picked up a shirt that wasn't too wrinkled.

Their conversation had made her wonder just how many of the others had done _it_ before. Surely she wasn't the only virgin on the castle-ship. She knew about Lance, and Keith, but what about Hunk? Or Allura?

“ _No, Allura's a princess. Her having sex would be too scandalous... but... maybe?”_

Absently, she shook her head. It didn't matter. If she had her way, she wouldn't be one herself for much longer

She waited, like Shiro wanted, for about a week in Earth time before she asked him again, though to her it felt more like months.

She didn't want to chase him away, despite knowing he craved her just as much, if not more. Still, he was rational enough to change his mind if he thought better of it.

But she realized she didn't care if she came off a little... strong. She wanted him and only him. He was the only thing that could set her mind at ease and dull everything else. He was the perfect distraction... an unfairly handsome, sweet, broad-shouldered distraction, her escape from reality.

The truth was maybe her brother and father _were_ dead. Maybe she couldn't save them. Maybe it was too late. Maybe she'd get close to rescuing them only to fail and let them die.

Every moment she managed not to think about it was a blessing in itself, and Shiro made it just a little bit easier to forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pidge is _thirsty_ , but I don't blame her honestly. She's having a rough time :(  
> I know I'm the one who wrote this, but I want her and Lance to make up already. I don't like there being tension between them.  
> (And I don't know why, but I'm still laughing that I compared him to a "goalkeeping spider" lmao)


	8. Guilty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex stuff starts after the "---". You can honestly skip it and still be caught up with the story, if you want.

_Champion..._

_Monster..._

_Disgusting...._

Their voices, a miasma of whispers and faraway screams collided against the innards of his skull. Bouncing around and picking up momentum as they slipped past and slammed into one another, shattering into more echoes...

_Monster. Pervert. Creep._  That voice was loud.

_You're disgusting._  That one was louder.

_You're no champion. You're a farce._  That one whispered like a freezing wind.

_You used her. How could you?_  This one sounded the most maternal.

_You're supposed to protect her. What's wrong with you?_ This one sounded the most disappointed.

But the voices continued until he could no longer tell them apart. They overlapped, growing faster and all the more disorienting as the jury around him called out.

He was on trial and even the judge's gavel couldn't silence them.

_MonsterDisgustingNoone'schampion_

He couldn't see their faces but he knew them all, every single one. He was thankful he couldn't see the looks they gave him. The people he loved -- his family, his friends watching him on the stand.

They all wanted him to burn.

Sendak had been right all along. The war, his capture and his time in the arena had changed him into a monster. He was no one's champion now. No one's hero. Not only had they torn and twisted his body, but his mind too, whittled away till he was little more than a degenerate posing as a man of honor and dignity and heroism. And worst of all, he was posing as someone worthy to be the head of Voltron.

And Katie. Sweet Katie Holt was there too, sitting in the victim's chair, hands folded in her lap, her legs pressed together and crossed at the ankles. He recognized her by the clothes she wore, the same as when he'd committed the crime, but her face was just as obscured as the others.

He looked at her with tears in his eyes. Before he knew it, the tears were flowing in black rivers down his face, staining his cheeks and jaw, and he couldn't stop them.

She was the brightest thing in the room. A beacon in the darkness.

He wanted to go to her, and at the same time wanted to shrink and hide away, though he did neither. He could do nothing but stand there and weep in silence as he faced the endless barrage of vitriol and awaited his sentence.

–--

Pidge stared up at him, a smirk playing at her lips and Shiro gave her a long once-over before diving in to kiss the crook of her neck.

“God, you have no idea how much I want you. Why'd you have to go and seduce me?”

She laughed. “Oh yeah? Then take me,” she challenged.

He pulled back and his steel eyes widened. He looked at her like a key had just clicked into place somewhere in his head.

“You know,” he mused aloud and then grinned, “I think I will.”

Before she had time to process her own surprise, he gathered both her wrists easily in one hand, effectively pinning her to his bed, while the other flew to her ribs.

She shrieked and erupted into laughter as his fingers danced over her rib cage and down her sides. She tried to kick him, but he was sitting on her legs to keep her from doing just that.

She tried in vain to wriggle away from his grasp, only to realize she was helpless.

“I give! I give!” she pleaded through her laughter and he let her go.

Shiro sat back to let her catch her breath, smiling victoriously. But once she did, she grabbed her pillow and whacked him with it.  He managed to block it with his arm just before it made contact with his face.

She pouted and he chuckled, still smiling at her as he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to his chest.

“Come here, you.”

She let him hold her from behind, but she retaliated by pretending to uppercut his jaw. He apologized with a kiss to her fist.

“I'm sorry. I couldn't resist,” he said.

“Not fair.”

“I know, I know. I'm sorry.” He peppered her with kisses all the way up her arm until she broke into a giggle and swatted him away.

Shiro lied back down onto the disheveled sheets where she soon joined him.

“Shiro?”

He turned his head to face her.

“Hm?”

She hadn't brought it up in days, but even so, he knew what she was going to ask.

“Can we? Please?” Her voice was hushed, almost sounding shy as she pressed her cheek against his chest. Her hand skirted over his abdomen, down to his belt buckle. She could see just past her hand the bulge that had appeared in his pants. She'd be happy to take care of it for him if he'd just say yes...

She heard him swallow and looked up to run a finger over his jaw.

“Please?” she asked again, sliding up to kiss the space just below his ear.

He knew he should say “no”. He knew that's what he was supposed to do, what someone responsible would do. But he was beyond that now. When it came to Pidge, that part of him had long since withered away.

The only thing keeping him from ravishing her that very moment was his fear of hurting her, luckily stronger than his soaring base desires, despite Pidge's best efforts...

But even if he wasn't prepared to give her  _exactly_ what she asked for, there were other options on the table he’d warmed up to...

“Actually,” he said, propping himself up with an elbow “There's something I'd like to do, if it's okay with you.”

She looked at him with a raised eyebrow and he smiled knowingly before pressing his lips to her neck.

“Would you let me taste you?” He murmured, his warm breath seeping over her flesh, sending goosebumps all along her body and blood to rush to her cheeks.

She stiffened and bit her bottom lip.

“What...what do you mean?”

He mimicked her actions earlier, his hand gliding over her thin camisole and down to the waistband of her shorts.

He kissed her softly.

“You know what I mean.”

She did. She knew exactly what he meant. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. In all her daydreaming, that hadn't come up as a possibility. Didn't even occur to her. She wasn't even sure if she would like it.

“I've never... done that before.”

“ _Stupid! I've never even been kissed before him. Of course he knows I've never had someone...”_

“I know.” His hand moved back up, settling on her stomach, though his fingers itched to reach back down, “But do you want me to?”

His voice dripped like honey, smooth and rich against her skin. She could feel the barely contained lust just behind his tongue.

“We don't have to, but... I'd like to.”

It was too late to be shy now, she thought and simply nodded, her heart pounding.

“If anything's too much, we can stop. I just want you to feel good, Katie.”

“I know,” she said, almost defensively, “You worry too much, Shiro.” She did her best to hide her nerves from showing, but he heard them all the same.

He was resolved to take care of her, even if he was out of practice.

His lips melted into hers and she returned his kiss. He held himself back from going in hot and heavy, instead opting for slow and soft, but the way her hands grappled at him gave him the go ahead to push forward.

His tongue slid past her lips and teeth while his fingers started to tangle in her hair. But it wasn't long till he dragged his open mouth, tongue and teeth over the skin of her neck. He bunched the fabric of her camisole up over her petite breasts and circled a finger around one of her nipples. Already he could hear the change in her breathing.

His tongue slid over the other nipple while he fondled the first. She moaned, a soft breathy sigh and he held back a grin. He sucked and tweaked her supple skin, his teeth grazing the very tip of her nipple and he felt her shudder beneath him.

His fingers hooked onto her shorts and he tugged gently. Pidge got the message and pulled them down, discarding them on the floor to be fetched later.

Shiro grazed his flesh hand over her underwear, already shifted out of place, and his warm fingers teased her through the soaked fabric.

So many nights she'd fantasized about him even touching her there. Now It was actually happening. She almost couldn't believe it!

He ventured a look down and he saw how his hand dwarfed her. God, she was tiny! He wondered if even his finger might be too much for her.

He felt his cock twitch at the thought. How small she was... how tight she would be.... but he pushed those thoughts away and focused.

He slid down, nibbling at her flesh as he made his way between her legs, sliding her thin cotton panties down, watching her as he did. She made no indication she wanted him to stop and even lifted her hips to help him.

He threw them aside and let himself take in the view of her naked sex, her lean body curved in all the right places. All of her exposed and laid bare just for him. He counted himself a very lucky man.

He took the moment to peel off his own shirt and Pidge watched gleefully, though he didn't give her much time to admire.

She sucked in a breath as she felt Shiro's flattened tongue glide over his slit. His eyes flickered up to meet hers, a trace of concern gracing his blown out pupils. But her head was tilted back, so he pressed his lips to the inside of her thigh and continued.

He spread her legs a little wider, opening her up to him and exposing her swollen clit to him, shiny, slick, and pink. He wanted to devour her.

His calloused thumb rubbed tight circles over the sensitive nub while his tongue wormed its way inside her. She squeaked softly as he did and his eyes all but rolled back in his head; she tasted and felt like heaven.

Unconsciously, she rocked her hips against his eager mouth and she bit her lips in a weak attempt to keep herself quiet. She wanted to scream and moan and cry out. Then he started humming and her toes curled and her fingers dug into the sheets.

“Shiro!” she gasped “Takashi! Please...”

He hooked his arms under her thighs, lifting them up and over his shoulders to get a better angle and she squirmed.

“What, baby?” he asked her between licking and sucking at her folds.

“Please... please don't...don't stop...please,” she begged.

He continued with added fervor and she let out a squeal, the balls of her feet digging into his back. She wasn't going to last much longer.

Her hands flew to the top of his head. The intensity made part of her want to wrench him away, but the other wanted him deeper, harder... More of him.

She almost wanted him to stop. She couldn't take it.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to throw all modicum of dignity out the window.

The team had nearly had to pry her open like an oyster just to discover her real name and identity, but now here she was, on Shiro's  bed, a mess of heat under his mouth and fingers on her softest places.

And then it came, an orgasm ripped through her and she couldn't hold back the moans and sighs that came with it.

Shiro felt her insides tighten and quiver around his tongue and he rode it out with her till she went limp. He gave her one more long lick – for good measure – then kissed her thigh again, his prosthetic hand stroking it lovingly before setting her down. His hand migrated to her waist as his mouth brushed her cheek.

“Thank you, Katie,” he said as he nuzzled her.

When she came down from her high, she turned to him, panting.

“Why are you thanking me?” she half-laughed, “I'm the one who should be thanking you!”

Shiro sat back against the wall, lazily eyeing Pidge up and down.

“For letting me do that.”

Unconsciously he licked his lips, pleased to find the taste of her still lingered on them.

“Does sex always feel like that?” she asked, finally catching her breath, and he thought about it.

“Not always.”

She made a mental note of that, but didn't give it too much concern. Instead, she made herself busy ogling his naked torso, finally getting a good look at it. She surveyed the many scars that decorated his skin. So many scars she'd never gotten to see before, some she never would've imagined, but he was just as gorgeous as she dreamed.

But something else caught her attention, a familiar tent in his pants. She got up and sat beside him, her hand sliding over his pant leg and onto his clothed erection.

His own hand stopped her.

“Pidge, you don't have to.”

“But I want to. I mean, look at you. It's only fair.”

He looked down at his unmistakable hard-on then at her batting her eyelashes at him innocently. He let out a breath.

“Fine, but...” he began, but she didn't let him finish before practically diving into his lap to undo his belt. “I have to warn you, I don't think I'm gonna last lon-”

She unzipped his pants, and the feeling of her bare hand on his cock froze the rest of his sentence in his throat. Pidge marveled at the smooth, veiny skin and how hot it was. At first she just palmed the front of him, but as she tugged his pants down more to reveal him properly, she let her fingers curl around the head and shaft, pumping him slowly.

Even now, she could see a bead of precum leaking from the tip. She was utterly fascinated. She knew what a dick looked like, of course, but she'd never touched one. It had more weight and gave off more heat than she'd expected. And Shiro was...bigger than she'd expected. Not longer, per se, but thicker. It made her hand look so small.

She'd daydreamed – and dreamed – about him inside her, fucking her brains out with his big, hard prick, but now it occurred to her that might not be as easy as she thought. She'd never had anything bigger than a tampon inside her, but it didn't make her want him any less.

She lowered her head to lick at the tip and she felt him twitch in her hand, much to her delight.

“Pidge, I'm serious. I don't think I can...” he started again, but she cut him off again.

“It's okay. I don't mind.”

Then she wrapped her lips around him, her fist pumping around the shaft.

He threw his head back and it took every ounce of his willpower not to hold her head down and buck his hips.

Pidge twisted her hand as she gripped him, moving up and down.

“Nngh! Where...where did you learn to do that?!” Shiro exclaimed, and she lifted her head just long enough to answer “internet” before continuing. He almost couldn't believe what was happening. He looked down at the girl bobbing her head up and down his cock.

“Katie! I...fuck...Pidge, I'm gonna cum!”

She hummed in affirmation, and he panicked when she didn't show any signs of stopping.

“No really! I...” He let out a groan. “I can't hold...fuck...Fuck!”

With a guttural growl that shifted halfway into a moan, he shuddered and came into her awaiting mouth. She stopped moving as his cum spurt onto her tongue, but he squeezed his dick around her hand and milked the last few drops.

Her mouth now full of the strange fluid, Pidge noted the consistency was a lot like mucus and while the flavor wasn't quite what she expected, she decided it wasn't altogether unpleasant.

Interesting, she thought.

Shiro looked down as he caught his breath and his flushed face paled when he realized what he'd just done.

“You don't have t-...!”

She gulped it down and opened her mouth to show him, just like the women in the videos often did.

Lines on his forehead appeared and he pressed his lips together.

“...You didn't have to do that.”

“I know,” she said with a too-casual shrug that made him the slightest bit uneasy. “But I wanted to.”

He blinked at her and drew in a long, deep breath. She was full of surprises – some of them he was finding himself torn over.

“I don't know what I'm going to do with you,” he sighed and she flashed him a cheeky grin.

She had some ideas...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be thinking, "can't you just be nice to Shiro for once?" and the answer is no i cannot lol  
> I do this because I love him. :))))


	9. A Promise Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This last chapter is very….bittersweet. I just can’t resist writing angst you guys, which is ironic because reading it hurts my soul.

The nightmares didn't stop.

He saw her again, poised on the victim's seat while he waited to face his prosecution.

Katie's face held no hatred or contempt, only a look of despair.

His friends and family, hers even more, all glared, their eyes pointed at him like knives at his throat.

They started murmuring, the sound a hum like droning bees. Then a shout from someone on the witness stand...

…Lance?

“He's guilty! There's blood on his hands!”

He said this as though someone would have to be blind not to see it, but Shiro wasn't sure what he meant.

“Right there!” he went on and jabbed his finger further in his direction.

Shiro looked down at his sweaty palms shadowed underneath the table he sat at. He flexed his fingers... but no blood.

By some unknown force he jumped to his feet and leveled his hands on the tabletop as he did.

“Your Honor, I object!” he exclaimed to the figure in the judge's bench.

“On what grounds?” the voice asked without emotion. Everyone else's voice was distinct, some familiar, some not, yet the judge... their voice was nebulous, neither foreign nor familiar. Their face was both hidden and yet somehow unimpeded.

Shiro moved to show his hands, but found them stuck.

He looked down, faced with the image of red seeming to ooze from his fingers. He tugged, trying to pry himself away, but did so in vain. Panic set in and his steel eyes flew to Lance and the judge.

“Your Honor, please!” he said, but despite no discernible features, he could tell the figure had no sympathy for him. If anything, impatience.

Still, he tried. “This is a mistake!”

He tugged again, but they wouldn't budge and the puddle only grew bigger, threatening to spill off the table and onto his feet.

Lance and the others scowled, the chatter picking up once again.

Pidge said nothing, did nothing. Until now, she didn't even acknowledge him.

But then, only then, she turned to him, though the movement was stiff and unnatural. Her eyes, big and brown and glossy trained on him and he froze.

She opened her mouth as though time had slowed to a crawl. Then her eyes turned hard, callous and unforgiving, and out of her mouth the judge's voice, “Overruled!”

And the gavel slammed down, booming in his ear.

–

He started awake to Pidge in one of his shirts and what looked like basketball shorts clutching her left foot and her face screwed in a tight grimace.

“Ahh... Fuck!” she hissed.

“Pidge?”

She hopped over to the far edge of the bed where she knelt and massaged her toes.

“Sorry. I was trying not to wake you up...” she explained like it a confession. “Just going to the bathroom.”

He blinked and rubbed at the inner corners of his eyes with the fingers of his synthetic hand.

“That's fine,” he said, his voice coarse from sleep. He cleared his throat, “What happened?”

“Stubbed my toe.” She squeezed her smallest toe in emphasis.

“Are you okay?”

Her stance was awkward and she seemed reluctant to sit down.

“I'm fine. Go back to sleep.”

She got up, continuing to face him as she did. He was about to question her, but she gave him that smile again, the one from only hours ago...

–

Everything had been perfect, as perfect as it could be, but their peace, their fantasy of normalcy came to a grinding halt.

He should've known.

He should've known from the way the light didn't reflect in her eyes. The way her bangs were always in the way, hiding how her smiles didn't reach her eyes.

He should have seen it, but he didn't. None of them did.

Her mouth was dry.

Her knees were planted on either side of his naked hips, and in the dark, with only the faint light of this planet's moon seeping through the window, she remembered thinking he was somehow even more gorgeous.

Shiro caressed her legs as he watched her too, noting how taut her muscles were and how her fingers curled on his stomach.

“We don't have to if it hurts-”

“No!” she said with a little too much force. It did hurt, but she didn't want to stop. She'd gone this far, she wasn't about to give up now.

She pressed down a little more, gaining almost no ground.

“Pidge, it's okay, really,” he tried to assure her, but she wouldn't have it.

“Shiro, please!”

Her voice cracked on her frustration and the edge of something he didn't recognize at the time. He merely sighed, saying nothing, his hands continuing to glide over her skin.

He should've stopped her.

Pidge's chest rose and fell. She wanted this more than anything, she reminded herself, so why....?

Eventually, Shiro sat himself up, his lips meeting hers and cupped her face in his hands.

“ _You really are beautiful, Katie,”_ he thought to himself, knowing any comments would only frustrate her further.

He brushed her bangs out of her eyes still downcast and focused on the task at hand. He kissed one of her eyelids and she blinked, granting him only a glance in return.

He smiled at that – she never did like to be interrupted when she was focused on something.

Pidge sucked in a breath and steeled herself, her eyes closed.

“ _Relax, Pidge...relax. Just get it over with,”_ she willed. Then to both their surprise, she forced herself down, letting Shiro pierce her in one swift motion.

His eyes went wide as saucers, but Pidge threw herself into his chest before he could see hers.

Shiro had to say something now. Her entire body had turned to steel in his arms. And her walls were so tight around him it almost hurt.

“Katie?” he whispered and tilted his head to try to get a good look at her.

She grimaced, but refused to so much as whimper despite the stabbing pain inside her.

“I'm fine,” she whispered back, “Please... let me do this.”

Gently, she pushed him back onto the mattress and he gave in, still trying to search her face for any sign something was wrong.

She moved her body up and down, her movements stiff but determined. He would be a liar not to admit it'd started to feel good. God, she was so tight and warm and slick. He hadn't realized how much he'd missed sex.

He wasn't sure how long he could last at this rate.

“Fuck...Katie...” The words drifted from his lips like a prayer.

He almost didn't notice how quiet she'd gotten nor the bite of metal in the air. Almost. It was when he opened his eyes and caught a flash of hers in the moonlight did he realize something was terribly wrong.

He bolted upright, his hands on her face once more. He wouldn't let her hide from him this time.

“Katie? Katie look at me!”

Despite herself, she let him. Her eyes met his and they were both so... empty. Nothing like the ones so full of life and charm he was used to... the ones he found himself falling for.

His thumb stroked her cheek desperately as his gaze darted over every inch of her face.

“Katie, what's wrong? Please talk to me! Please!”

She still said nothing, and that's when he noticed the scent of blood. Immediately, he knew why and looked down at his softening prick still inside her. Though the room was dark, he could see the smear of blood between them.

“I'm so stupid,” he groaned.

He lifted her off of him and gathered her into his arms as though she were bits of fragmented glass. He pressed his lips to her forehead, her cheeks, her temples, her hair, over and over.

“I'm sorry, Katie, I'm sorry,” he apologized and she still said nothing. Her silence was killing him. “You didn't have to... We didn't have to...”

She was still so stiff even as he cradled her.

“Does it really hurt?” he asked, “I can take you to the medical wing.”

She shook her head. Finally a response.

“Katie...”

He didn't know what else to say, only knew he had to say something. He couldn't bare more silence.

Pidge swallowed at the lump in her throat. Once. Twice. But it wouldn't go down. She opened her mouth anyway, her lips trembling as she did.

“He's...he's gone.”

His eyebrows bunched together and she felt him tense.

“Who's gone?”

She tried again, knowing her voice would fail her soon.

“Dad.”

And as she said this, his skin turned cold.

“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

“Dad,” she mewled, “Dad's dead!” She couldn't even pretend to keep her composure anymore as the words burst from her, paving the way for a flood of tears.

He shook his head in denial. “ _How?_ ” he wanted to ask. They would've known. Their allies would've told them. How did she know?

He'd missed her arrival that morning from another mission to search for her family. She'd gone alone, much to his disapproval, but out of necessity rather than choice.

The only ones there to greet her at the Castle were Hunk and Coran and the little rogue she was bypassed them easily.

She'd hid it from them. From him.

He should've known.

Did _anyone_ else know?

“ _How did it happen? When? What about Matt? Why did she have to be the one to find out?”_

As much as he wanted to, he didn't dare ask any of the questions careening through his mind.

“Katie... I don't... I'm so sorry...”

“Stop,” she begged, “Just stop. Just shut up. Please shut up.” Her hands reached out to try to push him, but when he resisted, they clung to him instead. Then without warning, she flung him off of her and bolted to her feet.

“It's not fair!” she screamed while she paced the confines of his tidy room, forgetting how naked she was, and her palms digging into her eyes. “It's not fair, Takashi! It's not **fair**!” The last word came out as a shriek.

“I know, Katie, I know...”

“No! No, you don't! You don't know! You don't fucking know!”

She found the nearest wall and banged a fist and her forehead against it as her rage dissolved into sobs.

Shiro jumped from the bed, ignoring his own lack of modesty and spun her towards him. She pushed him away, her countless hours of combat training kicking in now. But Shiro was bigger, stronger, and while she was faster, he had far more practice.

He overpowered her quickly and trapped her arms under his. He held her as tight to him as he could even after she gave in.

It was the only thing he could think to do.

–

The words came to him easily even as he fought off sleep, lying there beside Pidge while his hand smoothed over her hair and exposed cheek.

“When this is over, when the war is over, we'll go home,” Shiro said, “Me, you and Matt.”

“We'll go home. I'll meet Colleen properly this time. I'll tell her how perfect you are and give this a real shot... if you'll let me. We'll bake peanut butter cookies. Real ones. And lay in bed watching movies. I'll take you on a real date, somewhere nice. Just you and me. We'll watch the sunset on the beach. I'll be real romantic and cheesy. We'll play all your favorite video games.”

His hand lingered and his eyes blinked slowly.

She reached up to cover his hand with her own.

“I'd like that,” she said softly. Her throat felt full, her eyes puffy, and dried tears made the skin on her face feel tight.

Shiro blinked and forced his own eyes wider so he wouldn't be tempted to drift off.

“Me too.”

She was quiet again and for a moment he thought she'd fallen asleep.

“Promise me when it's over we can do that.” She looped her pinky finger around his before he had a chance to answer and squeezed.

He returned the gesture without hesitation. He'd promise her anything if it could make it right. He decided he would end this war, with his bare hands if he had to. Not just for the universe, or for Earth and all the Paladins' families, but for her. Above all else, he'd end it for her.

No more loss, he swore. No more pain.

-

In the coming days, it became clear they couldn't keep this news a secret. “We need to tell the others,” he'd said, “They'll figure it out even if we don't.” And while she resented the idea, she knew he was right. They were a team, a family, and they'd realize something was wrong sooner than later. It was bad enough they were keeping one secret, but the last thing she wanted was their sympathy. The only ones who really understood were Coran and Allura and Keith. They didn't make her feel like some kind of pity project. Grieving or not, she was still the Green Paladin and just as capable as she'd ever been.

“I am not sitting this one out!” she'd snapped at Lance while Keith and Hunk were already halfway to their lions. “I'm still a member of this team whether you like it or not!”

“That's not what I meant, I just...”

Shiro stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“It's fine, Lance,” he said, “Let's move.”

He was the last to descend his elevator, clearly taken aback by the whole exchange.

“I didn't mean it like that,” he defended himself again, though too quietly for Coran or the princess on the dais behind him to even hear.

But even as things went back to normal, as normal as they could be, Shiro realized he couldn't do it anymore. Not after the nightmares. Not after what happened. And not while they grew so close to fighting Zarkon head on, everything they'd been working towards finally coming to a head.

Pidge insisted it didn't matter, that whatever they had between them, the sex, had nothing to do with it.

But he couldn't stand the guilt.

If the rest of the team knew... what would they do? What would they think of their dear leader? Lance already knew and while the Blue Paladin didn't hate him, he was clear about his objections.

“Then tell them! I don't care who knows anymore. There's nothing to hide! You're not a monster!”

He wanted to believe that – he truly did, and a part of him almost managed to. But a much stronger, more dominant part wouldn't let him.

“Let's just... wait... okay? I meant what I said, about when this is over and doing things right, but right now... Right now I just can't.”

Pidge crossed her arms on the kitchen counter and frowned at him from across the room, a half empty cup of hot chocolate at her fingertips.

His own cup he rotated back and forth between his palms.

“I care about you too much.”

She watched him, analyzing him, then he said it – just a few simple words she didn't know how much she needed to hear:

“I love you too much.”

He'd been staring at his hands until that moment when he looked her in the eyes, not a hint of reservation to be found.

But she didn't understand what he meant. How he could feel that way yet not want to be with her. How he could just say something like that! It was absurd, illogical, and it made her want to scream.

She didn't understand then.

And after their battle with Zarkon, while she stared at the empty cockpit of the Black Lion, she didn't understand now.

But he'd promised they'd go home together. He promised they'd start over and do things right. And Shiro never broke a promise. So she refused to cry.

They would find him, she decided despite anything and everything – him and her brother. Whatever it took, they _would_ find him.

And they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you forever to anyone who’s stuck around to the end! You’re my favorite and I love you! <3
> 
> (I might write something as a sequel that’ll take place after Shiro’s found in S3 or post-canon. Idk yet. Since VLD is ending this year, I’ll probably decide after watching it.)


End file.
